Monday, December 31, 2007

Half a box of kleenex.

i believe that is always going to be my life story.

Having sinus or cold attacks drives the sales of kleenex i reckon. and this new year's eve is no different.

But having said that, as crude as it sounds. it is all about letting out the old and embracing the new.

A girlfriend told me about the law of attraction and how it works, if you think positively, you will draw positive energies into your life and vice versa. (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)..

so like i always share with a close confidante, the new year, as we always hope, will bring loads of positive change. (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)

reflecting back, this year has seen some losses, changes, chapters closed, new chapters open, and no change to the nicotine addiction.

i would not ask for a better year, albeit there was much kleenex involved, but not trade this for a million bucks.

i don't want to make resolutions, or make promises to myself i cannot keep but i want to wade through the muddy waters(much like in mersing) and enjoy the clear blue skies as and when they come my way.

i have no regrets, only to be open, more tolerant and calmer in the year ahead. and perhaps work my way to my true calling... (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)...


voila.. here's to a 2008 that will be unforgettable..

Friday, December 28, 2007

"People have scars in all sort of unexpected places, like secret road maps of they are personal histories, diagrams of they're old wounds. Most of our wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere, and though the cut's long gone, the pain, still lingers."


- Anonymous

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Quiet nights and pink keyboards....


It is like these crazy moments I miss the most, especially during quiet nites here.

It is the festive period when most are out and about, in groups and in the midst of celebrations.

Makes me long for home even more...

My usual view on nites like these (see second pic), resting in the space I temporarily call my own, catching up on news and trendy, ahem, shows I missed.

Not complaining. Just in moments like these I suppose there is more time to reflect, think and find some peace within myself. Very zen.......no?

Hence, I learn to appreciate the little things I have taken for granted, time, patience and kindness.. In the meantime I am going to get used to my rubberized keyboard (see third picture). Pink like candy. Ha.:)




Monday, December 17, 2007

I burnt a button

when ironing this evening. How is that possible I don't know.

I amaze myself each day at the discoveries I make, from the mistakes I make, and from the lessons taught to me.

I've been settling in a new environment slowly for the past few weeks. Admittedly rain makes it a little difficult, not impossible, but a little difficult when the echoes of emptiness fills the hours.

Last Sunday was overwhelming. I suppose each chapter came to a close, the thought of moving on, changing, a loved one passing on, leaving people I love behind and finally physically being in a new place.

An hour passed and I looked at my the empty flat and clothes-filled bag. And I couldn't stop the sobs.

I am grateful for the support I have, the kindness shown to me so far.. A close friend's simple words were, take a day at a time and soon it will seem less grey.

I suppose it is all about switching mindsets and perspectives of the choices you make in life. I feel limbo-like now, not really wanting to go home, but not particularly liking the choices I have made. But again, those words ring in my head.

A day at a time. I'll do that.. for now.

Monday, November 26, 2007

She said goodbye...


Goodbye, she says...
We wished her well..

It was a bleak weekend for all of us here.. Not entirely unexpected, still the departure caught some of us by surprise.

She was good to us.... she gave, cared and loved. The long conversations in the tiny kitchen, the stories of charcoal-ed irons and starched pants..

She, a strong woman, she was. We thanked her, asked for forgiveness and pray she is now in a better place...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Things to do when you're idle..(Part 2)


It's been two months (or more?) since I've left the wonderful world of employment.. The break has been a good one, leaving me much room to meet up with old friends, catch up on myself and spend the much needed quality time with the loved ones.

In the time that I have had to myself, aside from closing the school chapter (well it is 90% closed), I have learnt so much, perhaps lessons I neglected, and lessons I needed to be taught in the course of life.

How to be patient was one, how to appreciate the comforts of home and the peeves of your parents, how to let go and pray for the end of suffering for those in pain.



I have learnt that some friendships have to end, and some treasured forever. I have learnt managing expectations is still a raw lesson, and that I
still need to refine it.
But I have learnt to be a little more (I am only still human) open, to care without caring for returns and to laugh again...

I've missed me.


I'm glad I found me.. and I'm glad to have found what it was to find me...

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Seven year cycle...

Someone I once loved told me about his theory of the seven year cycle. How your life changes every seven years.

I wonder now if there is any truth to that.

Seven years ago.. I was breaking up with someone I wanted to marry. Permed my short cropped hair and dyed it bright neon red. Learnt how to smoke (designer pretensious cigarettes) and met a travelling juggler while filming at a park near Flinders Station. Worked at a community television station classifying gay and lesbian programmes and learnt how to grow tomatoes and brew scotch.

How does one top that?:)

But also. Seven years ago I was nearly hospitalised for heat stroke, nearly "dated" a bisexual (I swear I didn't know) and missed getting hit by a tram in Caulfield.

Goodness... Life is really full of wonders.

If I had a chance to do it all again, today, I would. This time, if I can dictate how my next seven yeas will be, I will date "her", brew single malts or invest in a winery instead.

And. Stick to my natural hair colour, thank you. :)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

on my knees again...

Spring cleaning and I discovered this... played it on my cassette player and remembered somehow there are just memories you don't want to remember but you don't forget...

I remember the Kancil I drive home after our fights... I listen to Eckhardts voice, the tears, the cigarettes, the wee hours in the morning to seek refuge and calmness amidst the anger...

Or the times you kicked me out of your car, when you call me those names, when you hit so hard...
To be trodden and to be demeaned in the same breaths as I love you...

All those promises you made, those visions you offered us, how selfish were you, how insecure were you... How you shaped the way I perceive people today. I hated you.

It's not worth the energy no more. Her tunes brought me back to a time when I was at my unhappiest.


On my knees again, Tiffany Eckhardt

I don't remember what I said or who I said it to or what I said it for...
I don't remember how I got to when I woke up on the floor...
I know I said that I'd be home but I don't know what happened to the time...
I don't know how I got these bruises on my neck or this madness in my mind...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

I didn't think I'd lose control, I'd really thought I'd be fine...
But then agian you'd think I'd ever known cos it happens every time...
I lose my sight in bright light of the day..
I don't know how it is I could love you so much and hurt you in this way...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

You're such a clever, clever beast, but that whispers it's ok...
that smiling at me cos I'm fading away...
And sorry is such an empty-handed word when it has been heard a 1000 times...
I got to find myself a better way cos I'm wrong and out of lines...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...


Friday, October 19, 2007

This song.. came to mind after a long conversation about filial piety...

Corrinne May's Fly Away

"When will you be home?" she asks as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
SIlver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh...
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away


When hearts go cold..

You sit in the dark, wait for the next light of hope...You ask, often, let your mind go...
Why, the knots, the pain, the hurt....

You seek the solace, comforts of the familiar... How fragile your heart, you reach...
For the remnances of love, you wished you had wholehearted...

You wonder, why you can't.. Can't let go, of the safe, warm, longing..
Of the love you once thought you held, close to your heart...

You put your hands together... Wipe those salty reminders away...
You resolve, embrace and strengthen....

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

We interrupt this programme..

Again.

Ten reasons why I have temporary (!) insomnia:

1. I've missed my Master's Project deadline by two weeks
2. I am constructing and reconstructing 7,000 odd words to make them flow
3. I have been out of a routine for the last 31 days and have no sense of time (refer back to 1)
4. I met a "past love" and reigniting my TV relationship with him
5. I am relocating!
6. I am excited about watching Pendekar Bujang Lapok again (refer to 3)
7. I can't find my secret whiskey stash - grr
8. I can't conclude the arguments in my head about ethics and blogging
9. Lavender oil keeps me awake
10. I've broken my power tool..... gotcha!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Biar, sings Rossa....

jangan kau pergi lagi meninggalkanku
sepi ku sendiri
jangan kau buat aku terbalut sunyi
kini kau berada dekat denganku

biar, biarkan aku mengisi ruang di hatimu
karena ku selalu memikirkanmu, mencintamu
biar, biarkan cinta bersemu di dalam hatimu
jadikan ku bagian di hidupmu, di jiwamu

ku tak bisa berhenti menginginkanmu
hidup terasa hampa tanpamu


*This must the shortest song I have ever come across.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Sleep-less.

Its been a while,
Been a while since I feel so broken...
Broken and scarred...
Sad and in pain....
Where love cease existence..
Where emptiness prevails...


Tire of trying...
Tire of battling..
Lest I seek to question, again and again..
Whenst pages are shortened... words are erased..
When compromise is reached....


I still hold a torch for unconditional love.. and complete acceptance...
The tears are less.. but..questions remain...
When..when....when....


I still hold the torch, till the body tired, minds jade and
tears run dry...

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Pfth

I hate it when I can't sleep.

Poofta.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Self crisis

Over a dinner conversation recently, my dinner companions and I chatted excitedly (or less to some) about luxury purchases.

A little too generalising, some may opine, but the purchases seem be a catching trend among individuals in a certain age group.

One companion had immediately likened the buying spree to a response to "mid-life" crisis. I personally thought these purchases were gender specific.

But, I do not judge people for their behaviour patterns, it interests me to note this "phenomenan", a term to justify the act of purchasing.

I find that mid-life crisis is not gender specific, with purchases like the branded tote bag, Manolo Blahnik shoes or a facelift surfacing as hot topics amongst women.

I thought of taking this to another level.

Perhaps theory of self could be reason enough to explain why people behave the way they do.

How after different phases of life, people think about paying more attention on themselves, their needs and wants.
It does not necessarily have to be material items, I just got word of a 40plus person keen on pursuing psychology courses, driven by keen interest.

Then again, I know of many and not differentiated by age, who splurge on spas (ahem), holidays (double ahem) and expensive skincare (aha!).

Would that be term as mid-life crisis. I wonder.

Maybe it is not a crisis to begin with. It is evolution of one's self, at different stages of his and her life.

Change (positive or otherwise) is to be embraced, I think, not scorned or brushed off at the first instance.

In the meantime. I will wait patiently for a free joyride in that luxury vehicle. Ha!:)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Facades.

This concept played in my head after a late night, long conversation with an old friend.


fa·cade /fəˈsÉ‘d, fæ-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fuh-sahd, fa-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun
1. Architecture.
a. the front of a building, esp. an imposing or decorative one.
b. any side of a building facing a public way or space and finished accordingly.
2. a superficial appearance or illusion of something

Why do people do it?

source: dictionary.com

Standing up

I know. I should be sleeping. But I can't help it.

Something came to my mind. (ok. I know)

In the last 12 months, it has been a very interesting journey, in the course of meeting people, either professionally or otherwise.

I must say there is a better sense of clarity I feel now then 12 months ago. Amidst the deadlines and clutter I often (bring) encounter in my life.

One thing I did learn about is that it is difficult to leave comfort zones. I am fortunate to have little attachments that influence decisions for change. And nights like this I reflect on why I did not make my decisions earlier.

Regardless of that, I have to say that having kept to what you believe in for 12 months, years or significant periods of your life is tough.

I must say that I have met many, who have sung different tunes to suit the moods and played fans to different camps, to fit the selfish (unselfish?) purposes.

Not judging. Just reflecting. Perhaps also having the time off allows me to see things a little clearly and to take off those rose-tinted glasses I wear occasionally.

I might not have driven that luxury car, or purchased the fancy condominium with the sexy postcode.

But, I have made my decisions with a (rather) clear consience and with integrity, something I still believe the profession holds close to its heart.

And I continue to be driving my radio-less vehicle and living in what I make out as my own personal space.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Binge thinking...


This came up over an online chat with a close friend. It's similar to the lemon saying, when life hands you lemons you do some thing funky with it. (Or if life hands you a bottle of unopened Chivas Regal, you try and try again)

I had a lecture from a girlfriend many nights ago about the wrinkle lines I create for myself. I think too much some say, one person even coined up the term analysis paralysis to describe the syndrome of most. And mind you there is scientific term coined for this syndrome - binge thinking. How people overdo it due the many possibilties that offer themselves in this book we call life.

Yes, I have closed one chapter and am moving on to the next.

Anxiety first, excitement follows next.

I think those who are close to me are tired of hearing it and tired of consolation and conversation. I apologise. Profusely. I could do this alot better as I learn and unlearn. But without the support, I would be suffering from post binge thinking. No?

I confuse as much as I ramble.

But I DO want to thank you (you know who you are) who have played a significant part in my life, from the late night chats to the online conversations. I can't say enough that these bonds are very meaningful in my life.



Disclaimer: Picture is for illustration purposes only. For the record, the bottle was left unopened and disappeared from the hands of this blogger. Honest.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sometimes

A good cry helps
A broken sob eases
The frailty

Feeling empty
Blackness despair..
Waking up to nothing

A quiet moment
Broken tears..
Sad, sad songs

A simple hello
Smiles to greet
A how are you.

A hug
Close, tightly
You're not alone.

Plan B

and humility.

Sometimes I feel I get ahead of myself.

What's that mantra again that I keep telling myself ..

*Close eyes*

*Sits in lotus position*

*Think of Plan B*

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Of papers, ethics and Habermas...

This is the "aerial" view of my bed currently. That orange bit in the corner is the pasar malam shorts I don each night as I sit and synthesis all these words for my last project for Graduate School.

I sleep with the papers each night, I don't mind, my only peeve is that the words do not translate into synthesised ideas much needed to graduate.

Sigh.

But I like coming "here". And two things I want to do. First to reflect on the unique way the world works. Second.. we will get to the second in a bit.

Ten minutes before this post, I received a call from an industry contact on whether it was feasible to stop presses on a particular "incident" took place outside Malaysia.

I am using cryptic terms, to maintain my no-name policy, for reasons I will explore in my second purpose of this post. Please bear with me.

Back to the story, the industry contact received instructions from the head honcho for fear that the accident, if published on the front page of a publication the next day, will paint a bad light on for investments in the general industry. It is obvious here that the accident, which led to several fatalities, had impacted this industry.

As a journalist, using my rather jaded news sense, if this instruction was well-thought as this incident obviously has news value in it to be posted in public domain. Issues of such high level newsworthiness do warrant attention, debate and action.

It puzzles me each time when I hear of such suggestions. I do not believe that I am of any different standards than the average person. A resounding hmmm is warranted at this juncture.

Anyway.

As part of school assignment, and also for healthy thoughts, the rationale behind cryptic languages on a blog should explained. In the last couple of months or so, I have sat through many coffeeshop and academic-like chats over ethics and blogging.

As both a writer and semi-regular blogger, could I have been a little more accountable in naming names or do I used my blogging license to write as I please.

It is a horribly dynamic and fluid world - this thing we call cyberspace.

Has it resorted to a degeneration of the public sphere or is it an alternative idealised public sphere as explained by German philosopher, Jurgen Habermas.

Why degeneration? Because it is so free and fluid that accountabilty and responsibilty over public reporting take a backseat. Virtually anything and everything can be posted here.

Is that a sign of a progressive society or are we discussing nothing really substantial in the first place?

Or has the world become flat, as American journalist, Thomas Friedman points out, where information flows freely guided by a different working standard or ethics from before the advent of the Internet.

Food for thought.

Friday, September 14, 2007

For once…

For once is there a chance for me to ask, for nothing but support, for nothing but a shoulder to cry on..

For once, can someone come here and dry these eyes, hold my hand, show me the way…

For once, can you tell me not to give up, tell me that I fit, tell me that I am human…

For once, can the questions stop, the strength wanes, the shoulders can break.. and the tears can flow freely….

For once, I can’t hold up being different for long, I can’t battle my strengths again and again.. I can’t hold my own.

For once, can someone please listen?

It's 2 in the morning

And the tears are pouring and I want to make worth the night...

Ahem. Nice improvisation ..no?

Having completed one part of my project, I had the pleasure of reading Joan Lau's "Labels, layabouts and those ladies who lunch".

I must say she beat me to it. No. Not claiming the first rights to discussing this topic, but I had wanted to blog about people and judgements, and pigeon-holing people, after a nice quiet dinner at a popular bistro in Bangsar before I had a chance to read Lau's piece.

My dinner mate and I watched a group of ladies enjoying a bottle of champagne and we echoed similar thoughts of not belonging in that restaurant. We watched more diners stroll in, kissing on cheeks to greet and loud giggles that originated from a lady that clearly did not mind others listening on her chatter.

I thought to myself, why are these people so pretentious, or what seemed to be like pretension as least from the way I understood it. Could I have been able to laugh dramatically over petty dinner conversation or could I wear that slinky little black dress to draw attention, admiration or gossip.

I thought I couldn't. I immediately "boxed" these people in stereotypes that I have in my head. The girls drinking champagne probably are not paying for it out of their own pockets, the loud chatter is sounds of dramatic, flamboyancy that could very well be shelved for a quiet nite and the slinky black dress was fit into after weeks of dieting on super shakes and water. (ow)

Upon reading Lau's article, I must say it made me catch my breath. I am quick to dislike those who stereotype me, my gender, profession and choice of music, but I am so equally quick to stereotype others in perceptions I have conditioned myself to believe in.

Is this fair? My bumper sticker has the saying to the effect of treating others as you would like to be treated (It is 2.30 in the morning and I can't for the life of me remember it's exact words).

Would I want to be treated the same way I treated those champagne drinking girlfriends.. or be scorned for looking attractive in the slinky black dress.

I guess not. I suppose you would not to..:)

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

More interesting finds..

"On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow" ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Digressing

I love my circle of friends.
I love how I learn almost each moment I'm with them. Phrases, ideas and kinky concepts thrown in for giggles.
First, I decide to list new words I've learn during a 3 hour drink and laughing session.

1. Cadaver
Meaning:-
a dead body, esp. a human body to be dissected; corpse.
(Interestingly enough... this is different from that night's conversation)

2. Bi-curious
Meaning:-
Someone who is bi-curious does not identify as bisexual, but usually identify as heterosexual or homosexual, in most cases as a heterosexual person, and are curious about having sexual intercourse with the opposite gender that they state their preference as.

3. Inebriated
Meaning:-
an intoxicated person, a habitual drunkard.

4. Genuine
Meaning:-
possessing the claimed or attributed character, quality, or origin; not counterfeit; authentic; real
(I already know the meaning of this one, but apparently Scrabble lets you score 50 bonus points if you finish your tiles! I have been living in the dark ages for too long now)

5. And.. something to do with peanuts.....hic.



*Source: http://www.dictionary.com, Wikipedia


Time

is really a precious commodity. I didn't realise seven years or more flew by. As I put away the bottle of vodka, the dead plant and the dictionaries (I am still missing a calculator), I reflect on the stories behind the paraphernalia that clutter my journalist table.

I had prayed for change long hard over the last year and it is here at my doorstep.
Somewhat hard to believe, perhaps I have been living in a surreal phase in the last four days that I finally made the decisions that I made. Somehow when change is imminent, it feels a little more awkward to embrace.

Cold feet? Some might say. But if change is needed for rebirth and a recharge, change is what I have to embrace.

So many chapters have gone by, some closed, one nearing closed and others to open. Exciting, no?

Somehow with this open canvas I have in front of me, I am excited and nervous at the same time to hold the different paint colours to start fresh.

I need to calm down.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

I don't like

being here when I'm upset. Or if I do end up here upset it's usually disguised.

I often tell myself that being thick-skinned is both an advantage and occupational hazard. But for once, I couldn't.

Frankly, I don't get why judgements are so important for people to feel secure about themselves. Assessing, grading, benchmarking, surely there is a point to the whole process? No?

Decisions are hard to make in the first place, but petty judging is worse. For a long time I have not been bothered with other's opinions about my choices, senses, decisions and taste for cheap cigarettes.

Inhale, they say, inhale the good and exhale the bad.

I suppose in one way, reacting often stoops me low as those who petty judge, who assess my abilities and even gender. Yea, the weakness of my gender. No?

In the meantime, I'm going to hunt down the person that stole my calculator at work. Pftth.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I know..

I should be sleeping at this hour, seeing how the bloodshot eyes looked right back at me at the mirror earlier. .

But, I needed a distraction and found a common theme amidst inspecting my wardrobe earlier.

I really need to get new pants. And several pairs at that, mind you.

Other than the one that has a hole from a manhole fall, (it wasn't my fault, the manhole should not have been there in the first place), the rest also suffer from some sort of defect.

After close inspection, I realise that these pants, some as old as 8 years, needed to be replaced or ragged. Other than the usual wear and tear (one of it had to be ragged due to a bad fall after chasing the former Transport Minister on 3 inch heels.. yes, I know, journalists do NOT wear heels, but I was such a greenie then), the one common feature was the wear at the side of the left leg due to the constant contact with my strap(on, ahem) laptop bag.

Anyway.

I don't know if it is about maintenance or the lack of it in my life, or some could even say the lack of care for appearances. I don't know, maybe I'm not big on appearances or maybe I selectively care for whatever hangs in my closet. I swear, if not for that spring cleaning imposed by the lady of the house, there would be alot more (90s) gems in there that could be pulled out for today's wear.

I guess, my point is that, there are days when there are bigger issues to contend with and there are days when the RM148 hairdryer purchased from KK meant so much to me. Ok, ok, the two BCBG dresses at a 50% discount were also a steal. :)

Things are about to change, I believe, and it's not about having new sets of pants in my wardrobe.

And, I must admit here in this space, finding the courage to push oneself further is one of the tougher challenges anyone had to go through. I figured, if I can keep at it, I can really work on life's aspects closer to my heart. Focus, clarity and patience. Patience is the one I lack most.

Pants to patience.

Something worthwhile to consider.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Murphy's Law

When life hands you lemons. You have tequila shots. (pffth)


Updates soon.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Err with Endorphins...

There are some days you wish people would pay attention to you.
There are days you wish you could hide in a hole and disappear.

And there are days that you do not realise how MANY people are watching you.
And you did wish that you were not being watched and could hide in a hole and disappear.

Monkey see, monkey do, right?

I decided not to wear my overpriced Lulu Guinness glasses at the gym dance class tonight for fear of perspiration leading to algae growth or worse on these very expensive frames my dearest optometrist friend convinced me to have.

I digress.

I stood at the front of class, being short-sighted, it helps me catch up with the dance moves of the instructor, on the stage. With the class 40 minutes into session, the instructor sits back to watch us, encouraging the class of 30 to get with it.

Being short-sighted in the head as well, led me to execute moves, WrONG moves, into the third verse of the song. Not realising that the class of 30, execute those wrong moves with me.

Fooyoh. Power.

Malu-lah. I had the instructor laughing away, while I attempted to redeem myself by picking up where, I er, left off ala Beyonce.

On a larger context, think of all the influence I can yield and the power.

Rock on.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

A fresh breath..



I love the greyish shades, the cheeky undertones and mood of the photograph. Taken of course by skillful and talented, and not too mention gorgeous photographer, to which I owe this set-up to.


I stepped out from this realm for while, like my ethics teacher taught us to, to step back and reflect and cherish. I have to say, today, I am grateful for the quiet nights that I previously disdained.


I learnt a much in that space I took out for myself. Patience, tolerance and gratitude, kindness and the value of friendship.


I toast to a new beginning, a new start and a fresh take on the next chapter than unfolds. I learn to manage expectations, treat tenses with light-heartedness and keep my canvas open.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Taking a time out

Two thoughts came over me this weekend, to shelve this blog. Or to take a time out.

There is much, much work coming in the months ahead. Research, streetwork and moving out of this country.

I will take a time out.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Ringing in my head..

I was feeling depressed last week. Not often I admit it here, usually disguised in some other forms of words.
I know the usual reasons but last week, there was a new element. Death.

I don't deal with it well. Who would. I don't know. I just felt my legs heavier than usual. Plodding along the hours of the day. Felt detached and out of focus. Maybe I was tired too. I don't know. Who knows. But not morbid. Just heavy.

I do want to apologise here to those close to me that had to see this side (again?). I don't mean to snap or to lash or to unload endlessly. I am truly and sincerely sorry if I hurt. I wish I have better outlets. Here. Maybe. I don't want to be complicated. I don't know.

I often associate moods with music or music with moods. I found her again after a decade of not listening to her music.

"Wake Up"

You like snow but only if it's warm
You like rain but only if it's dry
No sentimental value to the rose that fell on your floor
No fundamental excuse for the granted I'm taken for

'Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you

You like pain but only if it doesn't hurt too much
And you sit...and you wait...to receive
There's an abvious attraction
To the path of least resistance in your life
There's an obvious aversion no amount of my insistance
Could make you try tonight

'Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you to you to you to you to you...
There's no love no money no thrill anymore

There's an apprehensive naked little trembling boy
With his head in his hands
There's an underestimated and impatient little girl
Raising her hand

But it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you, to you

get up get up get up off of it
get up get up get up off of it
get out get outta here enough already
get up get up get up off of it
wake up


*Thank you, Alanis Morrissette, Jagged Little Pill



Friday, June 22, 2007

Tears

She gave me a tight hug that evening when I dropped in. I heard her crying when she called me two days before and my heart went out to her. I am a big softie and also a big coward.
Her son survived a bad accident and is recuperating. I pray for his recovery.

I pray too that my grandmother is comfortable. Her 94-year-old frail body should not be pricked with tubes, wound with bandage and tightened with discomfort.

I am not the best granddaughter in the world and I do not know if I would be able handle it when it comes, as I remininsce the times she scolded me for disobeying her or when she effortlessly sorted out my dinner menu during my terrible tantrums.

Is it not human nature to reflect during times like this, I believe so. The long conversations about ex boyfriends and the skeletons in the closet that she revealed to me at the kitchen table.

I cried when I left the hospital one evening thinking about these memories. I suppose again, is it not human to feel?

She was there when I was fooled into believing a stranger, she was there when I was missed the bus home from kindergarten. She walked me home from school and stayed up with me to watch The Love Boat.

I tear. I cry. I want to be there too.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Idle minds ... Idle hands..

I'm not a big fan of waiting, no one is .. One night at a celebration of sorts, the gang grouped up to participate in it. Two hours before the event starts, we had plenty time to goof around.
Scroll for the colours of the night... bwahaha.

It starts with small talk, daydreams and wishes that the food will be served soon..








'


Then some say waiting can make you go mad....








So when two angelic faces pose for candid shots..









The two devils will be up to no good..








* Photos courtesy of candid pixman Yeow Pooi Ling

We interrupt this programme..



*Source: www.wellingtongrey.net

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Who you gonna call...

Ghostbusters!

I certainly was tickled pink with that line. For those who remember this series, and theme song, you'd better be chuckling in happy memory or groaning in embarassment (!). I love the movie, cartoon series, song and more importantly, people who remember it with me.

One can always let their hair down, at least once in a while, keep the sanity in them, and what better than to "sing" down memory lane. Some snaps from this moment shared with equally crazy 80s kids... scroll...

But when you think about it, at least for those who remember, if lyrics for catchy songs in the 80s (I grew up with Solid Gold and Top of the Pops, ok) were derived from life moments, pains and giggles rolled into a rhythmic dance or a melancholic croon, then life then (or earlier) is really that simple?

Words and meanings for song sentences didn't sound too complicated, lyrics were sad but not broody, they were fun and straightforward. I am really not thaaaat old, but find that the top hits today are filled with angst, anger, revenge, pain, hurt, bubblegum talk, maybe I read too much or too little into it?

The gyrating hips, the skin, the "I do not care I do as I please" attitude, certainly did not exist during the NKOTB (ahem) days or days when Madonna adorned three layers of clothing in her rendition of "Like a Virgin".

Perhaps there is Darwinian-type theory that can explain this, evolution of songs, evolution of social behaviour, trends, culture and the like.

As much as my peers may disagree, whichever way the trend goes, I still hold dear to.... the running man move, shoulder moves, and jumps that goes with..
The Right Stuff!

(Admit it.... you had the stickers too...:))

*Pictures courtesy of avid photographer, singer and 80's music fan

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Day Four

Woke up with a cough today.. *cough* *cough*.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Focus...

noun
1. the concentration of attention or energy on something; "the focus of activity shifted to molecular biology"; "he had no direction in his life"
2. maximum clarity or distinctness of an image rendered by an optical system; "in focus"; "out of focus"
3. maximum clarity or distinctness of an idea; "the controversy brought clearly into focus an important difference of opinion"
4. a central point or locus of an infection in an organism; "the focus of infection"
5. special emphasis attached to something; "the stress was more on accuracy than on speed" [syn: stress]
6. a point of convergence of light (or other radiation) or a point from which it diverges
7. a fixed reference point on the concave side of a conic section

verb
1. direct one's attention on something; "Please focus on your studies and not on your hobbies" [syn: concentrate]
2. cause to converge on or toward a central point; "Focus the light on this image" [ant: blur]
3. bring into focus or alignment; to converge or cause to converge; of ideas or emotions [syn: concenter]
4. become focussed or come into focus; "The light focused" [ant: blur]
5. put (an image) into focus; "Please focus the image; we cannot enjoy the movie" [ant: blear]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

My current addiction.

For now. 14 hours and counting.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Empress

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot card are you?

Take the test to find out

Bad beer..

An oxymoron? I think not. It's making me feel sick and I can't sleep.

Help.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Surreal....

Luxurious rooms.... One luxurious room....

Jewellery, clothes, plush bed...

Piano recital.....

Sneakily looking in one luxurious room... Not stealing, just peeking....

Admiring, relishing.....

Photographer.... Luxurious washrooms.....

Kink in manhole...... Toxicity...... Lime and soap....

Two long kisses.....

A piano recital.... full house... White grand piano........


... And I wake up....

Don't you get that feeling?

I cracked up. *LOL*
















*Source: Australian Press Council

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Pre-thesis mode...



*Source: Colonialmanormotel.com

Monday, May 28, 2007

Intimidation

noun
1. the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something [syn: bullying]
2. the feeling of discouragement in the face of someone's superior fame or wealth or status etc.
3. the feeling of being intimidated; being made to feel afraid or timid
4. a communication that makes you afraid to try something [syn: determent]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

Current favourite song ..*evil grin*

Before He Cheats, by Carrie Underwood

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,
and she's probably getting frisky...
right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...
And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Right now, she's probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke..
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk" and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo...
And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...

Oh, you know it won't be on me!

Ohh... not on me...
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Ohh.. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...
Ohh... before he cheats...

A late night message

I had a late night tinkle on g-talk the other day, from a journalist friend, soon to be former journo, based in Bangalore.
This journalist came online to share a message with friends from all over the world.
Moved by the gesture, I'd like to dedicate the message too, to all those who matter to me.


"One fine day, all of us will get busy with our lives, long working hours, no more meetings, discussions about girls/boys,friends, and no SMS."

"Won't have time for ourselves. On such a day, you will look outside your window and see the good old memories flash by you and you'll smile with a tear in your eyes."

"You will turn back to your work thinking I wish I could go back. To all my friends who helped me in creating such memories...Love You."

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Snaps of the moment

This post is drawn from inspiration from Paula Guevara, a Filipino friend I met through Ling.

Reading her posts on random mobile phone images, it amuses and interests the curious to the mind behind the neat gadget.

I thought I'd share my homemade photo album. Enjoys.

*One of the many black and white postcards I collect on my random visits around the world. Picked this up in tiny bookstore, in Soho, London

*At chef & brew, heated debates on wine, men and audition videos.. not necessarily in that order

*On a chilly night in a sidewalk cafe in Bandung


*It's cute, it's hairy. And it doubles up as a CD case. Hedgehog courtesy of Acid.

*And, er,the gallery. For those who know, it is undergoing a revamp. Watch this space!:)

Friday, May 25, 2007

Of coconut trees and flying kites..



Word often go around, a break from routine welcomes freshness to the mind.

Did just that, over weekend in Kota Bharu. Most reactions I had received were looks of puzzlement, surprise and cynicals.. but why?

It is a beautiful town, like all towns in Malaysia, a tad optimistic, na? I think not. I suppose when the mind is a empty slate, colours of the varied kind can be painted upon.

As an urbanite, living with 24 hour stimulation of the technological and monetary kind, I find the slower pace of life a welcome change. I can't say I can live such, but I appreciate it a lot more.

Kota Bharu, not bustling like Kuala Lumpur or Ho Chi Minh, but busy just the same. Different trades, enterprises and colours paint this town. As a state governed by an Islamic based political party, I find that perceptions of outsiders are often influenced(wrongly?) by the different media driven by self-serving agendas.

I found it refreshing, warm and as a senior political writer terms it, outback-ish, although I had begged to differ.



From my little time spent in Kota Bharu, extremist sentiments I did not experience, awkwardness of being a different race and colour I did not feel.. It was refreshing.





*Photos courtesy of fellow traveller and photogapher, Yeow Pooi Ling

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Don't go far off..

A serendipitious find, from a year ago from a close confidante

Don't go far off, by Pablo Neruda

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because
I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else,
asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest, because
in that moment you'll have gone so far I'll wander mazily over all the
earth, asking,
Will you come back?
Will you leave me here, dying?

Monday, May 21, 2007

Pricks..

I didn't realise it hurt. I guess often the foolish ways of mine I forget prick others.

I'd like to call it an occupational hazard (LOL) having to listen to people's concerns, issues and arguments on how things should be fixed, work it into material that should provoke change and make a difference.

I forget sometimes emotions are involved and that others are human too, like myself.

I hurt her and I'm sorry. I saw that it stayed with her for so many years and I've not realised that it still impacted her. Wearing the hat of the question-eer, I asked, one, two many times. She did not like it. She did not want to accept that it had happened and I do not blame her. It was an awful decision, she was only 7 when it happened. I do not see any fault of hers to react this way to the decision.

Closure, some say? I doubt. I do not see it.

I guess it hits home when you have encounters like this, often we act impulsely, savouring the spontaneity of life, living the moment as they say, but often it hurts.

As righteous as I believe I am, I am not.

I often live as I wished, making impulsive, spontaneous decisions, so much so to have the adrenaline rushes, embracing the joys that life offers.. often which, hurts.

A year ago today, she revealed herself to me, I was sick for days, in contemplation, in awful contemplation of what was revealed.

Wake up little Susie. It's time to wake up.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I should have thought of this earlier..


CLARITY



*Courtesy of "A Beautiful Revolution"

Monday, May 14, 2007

I could not resist ...yet again...











I have bought a shiny gadget


* This blog post courtesy of "A Beautiful Revolution"... more under "Check Them Out".. ... Hilarious!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Orgasmic...


And I'm not talking about the ice-cream........Happy sigh..

Mo-blogging..

Stepping on the edge...

I have a phone...


Watch this space!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Veronika Decides to Die..

I am about to close the chapters on Paulo Coelho's, Veronika Decides to Die, and it interests me that reasons often exist for the littlest things experience, feel and do.

Trivial to some, I find life's tokens, blessings and teachings comes in forms and sizes usually unexpected.

I purchased this book huffily at the airport terminal on the en route to crinkle free trip to Bandung and Jakarta early one morning. I was to leave the house at 4am for this flight when my chartered ride did not arrive.
Hastily finding an alternative, I'm grateful for the ride to the terminal, amidst trying to calm my nerves. However,sore was I, as I had left Paulo Coelho's Portobello's Witch at home. A book I had eagerly wanted to read as the synopsis had enticed me days prior to the trip.

I was mad at myself for having troubled others, mad that I wanted my crinkle free break to start out right, mad that the beginning of my break was turning out to be sour.

Months before deciding on this form of escapism, knots inside me were tightening.
It is true what people tell you about recharging, applying the brakes, and putting a stop if you've had enough.
I felt very much all that, to points where I wanted to stop even trying. Wanted to sleep with those pills and not wanting to open my eyes again. Low spirits, having very different dreams, aspirations, ideals, values, I felt I didn't fit in life anymore.

I depended on this source of escapism more and more .. I needed to run the status quo, I wanted to hide from the usual questions and brush all the usual disappointments under the carpet..

Standing in the bookshop of the low cost terminal, I saw my second newly purchased book, with the words Decides and Die attracting me to its sypnosis. A story about a girl, who had everything in the world, deciding to die, after realising that there was no reason for living... The story starts this way, but ends rather differently..

In the book, the unveiling of her uniqueness, the pecularities in the circles she keeps, the different desires she was exposed to.. and the surrendering of herself to the very passion that in the end drives her living soul... struck me .. hard.

One glaring viewpoint was the issue of normality. Veronika ended up in a mental institution as her behaviour was categorised as abnormal.

Truly, really, what is normality. I argued long windedly with an Indonesian journalist about societal's norms and "acceptable" social behaviour. He asked me a question that opens a kaleidoscope of views.. Is there a universal acceptance of what is normal in society....
I wanted to differ for what I've been conditioned to believe as societal's norms,may not be norms after all.

We dissected this question, only to leave ourselves more boggled, questions to whether norms are just a way of life accepted by a large number of people or are they a set rules to follow... what about the minorities, what about the differences..
To lift from Coelho's writing, one questioned that if the hands of clock were designed to move in the opposite direction, would that be considered abnormal..

My escapism to Indonesia provided me with my questions than answers naturally,and in a usual long-winded, roundabout way, I find that amidst all my knots and tightening screws in my head, there are reasons.

Reasons to why the ride didn't show up, to why I left my things behind and to why Veronika entered my life the way she did.

It reminded me that I have to catch my breath, hold on and let go. Actions often I avoid for fear of losing, hurting and experiencing disappointment.

While it is nice to realise the irony of that very feeling of life is encapsulated in writings of another, it drives home a point that life is very real, with or without the clock ticking in the right direction.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

And then there was three...

Three.. whoopsee doo. If there is such a word, I'd use it more often. Although not as "learned" as some words like virufication, which is awkwardly pronounced, it raises the eyebrow to find it printed in reputable publications.

I digress.

Three. I have not forgotten about my list of Ten. Having shot at everything but the target at a recent outing in the Sungai Besi army camp, I had the opportunity to try out two more items on my own, not the Casey Kasem Top 40 list, but my own small ego boosting, narcissistic list.

Martial arts. I had the chance to try out a class with the dear friend who was very encouraging. It was my first attempt at learning the Wong Fei Hung slides, poses and very "cool" stances.

Initially thinking it was a slow paced class, I decided to keep my mind open and stood in the drizzle with the other brothers and of course, the grandmaster. We started off with the salutations, this is a branch of a grander style Kung Fu, of which I have yet to find the English translation to, nevertheless, I must say.. it was ..... rock on! My favourite phrase in the last couple of months since the shooting trip.

Anyhow, the master taught me the differences in punches, from jabs, uppercuts and hooks.. and ahem.. I must say so myself, he pointed out to me that although my jabs needed some work, I was doing fine (for a first timer), with my hooks and uppercuts. Fooyoh!

The conversation about physical strength and Kung Fu came up over breakfast and wine one night and another dear friend points out that men, being physically stronger or for some reason or another, find it easier to execute strong punches,.. she and my Kung Fu pal looked at me funny... And concluded that indeed, it was strange that sifu found my punches to be strong.
The two decided that I was indeed turning into a bloke, after I admitted I could not talk and text message at the same time while struggling to walk on a gravel road in my two-inch heels.
Very funny, guys.

I digress.. again...
Martial arts is certainly fun, but more importantly, it reminded me how important discipline is... .. I promise, soon, I will commit to Kung Fu soon..

I said three, right. Mandarin is what I promised myself to learn. I moved one step closer to the fulfilment of this item on the wishlist. Picking up one of those language CDs from the bookstore, I decided that I will commit to listening to it in the car, or on my green iPod nano. Commit is the operative word here. Nevertheless I take pride in the fact that the language CD is not in the store now but in my room, waiting to be downloaded and appreciated. Ha!

Three. Well on my way to fulfilling Ten.

Monday, April 16, 2007

No sleep..

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night, feeling as it your heartbeats are unusually fast.. you pant... panicking as if the room will close up on you... your claustrophobic fears slowly engulf you....

Brr..

Well.. it didn't happen to me so dramatically.. but I can relate to that.
I did wake up one night, feeling that way. I thought I was going mad. Or that that third cup of coffee was working overtime.. I then talked about it at work one day and someone used the words anxiety attack, that perhaps it was an anxiety attack.

Strange.

I hardly take these things seriously, for fear of being labelled as a drama queen, as paranoid and overreacting. But.

These nights didn't exactly stop... In fact when insomnia crept in.. I wondered.. could these caffeine striken corridor chats bear some semblance to truth.

As my clock ticks towards the ams, and the nights grow quieter while I lay awake.. Hoping I can turn my thoughts off, hoping that I can get some rest before the day begins again..

Maybe.

Anxiety is a big word.

Breathe Susie breathe.......

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Worn out shoes, broken key chains and Xanax

I take a slow drive tonight. I heave a sigh of tiredness. Thinking back, physical exhaustion was
source not of my sighs and dark rings.
"What is?" I ask as I stopped at the red lights.

Slowly walking to the corners to find quiet, solace and peace, my chain of keys fall to the ground, into pieces.

I stop. I realise. The worn out soles, the expired music machines, the broken keys.
I said to myself, "They break in my hands, as I busied chasing my dreams."

I penned moments hours earlier. I let out much earlier. I ask again. They break, they fall apart, they are not important?

I penned more morbidity earlier. Talked about slips away, words of living stopped captured. Stop, I said, stop asking, stop caring.

These words keep me awake at night, these words keep thoughts alive. She says anxiety, she advised tranquility.

Triviality to some. Nocturnality to others.

I want to. Turn off. Switch off. Shut down.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Perks and pecularities

Something rung in my head the other day after a long lunch with an old friend. This friend has just left the journalism fraternity to join the corporate world.


As I continue to jibe him about wearing cufflinks and a tie, he smiles and points out that the cheapest ties he can find from the shops close to his new office was priced at least a hundred ringgit.
I told him, today, he has to step out of his journalistic shoes and view the world from a different glassbowl.
He readily agreed, saying that working in the corporate world gives him a completely new perspective.
Gone are the days of flexible working hours, the numerous tea breaks and the cigarette time-outs. Gone also are the days of wearing tattered jeans and your favourite Hard Rock Bali t-shirt to the office.
Welcome to a world where attires are pressed neatly, collars straight, and stiff suits prevail. I reminded him that the lucrative package offered should buy him a nice tie.

As we laugh off it, he shared with me about his colleagues, and once again remind me how people are driven by very different things.
It never fails to amaze me to read the wonderful chapters of the societal pages, the colours that define our human cultures, behaviour and etiquette in the world we live in.

My friend opined that his colleagues, some barely in the workforce for three years, were driving luxury cars, wearing designer brands and carrying designer goods. A father of three, with over a decade of journalism experience, he shakes his head with disbelief.

His quote, “I guess journalism exposes us to different things, and I’m ever grateful for that experience”.

This last phrase before we went separate ways, rung in my head.

I can’t speak on the behalf of others or those in similar professions in similar environments, the stories we hear each day, make us laugh and cry, in shame, with joy, expressed in multitude of emotions.

I sit quietly when a tsunami survivor tells her story, as she tears and explains the devastation, I laugh when I hear a philandering doctor climbing out of his clinic window as fuming wife chases him after finding out about his other “close female friends.”

While having no prejudices for other industries, lifestyles and professions, a journalist myself, I find that it constantly makes me question, the drives behind the material goods, the motivation for the different lifestyle choices, the care for different status and perceptions people keep.

Like him, I am no different, I enjoy comfortable living, I have my indulgences, and occasional splurges. It is difficult not to sound judgmental, but it always fascinate me how different things mean differently to others.

I watch as my girlfriend delicately handles her new branded handbag, while at the other extreme, I listen intently to a friend who struggles to keep his medical commitments and filial responsibilities.

I watch as my own father washes his brand new car on a daily basis, and I listen as my mother tells me the stories of how she gives away her pension to help someone make ends meet.

Looking at my five year old pseudo four-wheel drive with a busted radio and my tattered shoes.. I say…….life is wonderful.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Damaged souls..

Restlessness creeps in
Doubt engulfs your soul
Still mad, still upset
Questions lingerin...

The expectations, the desire
For want of more
For want of fulfilment
Curiousities encroached..

Quiet tears fill the night
Amos' words ring in your ear
So sad.. it's like a good book I can't put this...
Day bad.. A sorta fairytale with you...

Ride alongside you....
Ride... ride.. till you lost me....... on the open road...

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Not ready to make nice...



Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting


*From Dixie Chicks, Taking the Long Way

Adrenaline... rush!


Unbelievably fantastic! As cheesy as it sounds, it was fantabulous. Being able to exercise one of your top ten to do things for the year blows your mind!

I'm talking about being able to shoot a real gun, with live bullets and being in army camp, soaking in the explosive gunshots, drills and strict military instructions. And to have pictures to prove it really rocks on!

Awesome!

Adrenaline will wear off shortly, and the Valley Girl talk too. But I must say taking part in the Armed Forces Media Day changed perceptions, open minds, and was a whole lot of fun.

Starting the day early at 630am, no one knew what to expect. Having zero experience with guns and live ammunition, we were given the quick rundown of how to use a weapon, choice of the M-16 or ACR Steyr. As a newbie, I was advised to use the Steyr, lighter, easier handling (so they say) and a scope to help aim at the targets.

Being a natural klutz, my practice session saw me shooting at the hills, around the target but not at the target. Clearing bullets from the shell of the rifle was a task in itself requiring strength I did not possess. Yoga sessions at the gym is not working as fast as I would like it to.

Safety was priority at the sessions, with each contestant aided by a minder, helping you load you weapon clear it and ensure the safety lock was on and that you do not point the gun at her or at your colleague standing right beside you.

Crunch time came when we were assigned teams and rivals. All geared up, with ear plugs in place, Steyr in the right hand and magazines held by my minder. We ran 50 metres towards the canvas where we took our positions, aiming at the metal plates 100 metres away. Clinching the weapon close to my shoulder, squinting to get a good aim........and pulling the trigger. Nothing happened. I tried it again, getting help from my minder to clear the barrel, and took position, aimed again, nothing happened. Argh! I thought to myself, hearing the explosive shots all around me I felt I was going to be the reason for the team to lose. Grr. After a few seconds of fiddling with the rifle, my minder confirmed that the rifle was jammed. Jammed? I thought it was my natural klutziness that led me to this nail biting, tension mounting moment. Argh. Soon it was time to pull back the weapon, check the safety latches and step out of the shooting area.

I contented myself with the fact that I got a chance to practice and fire a few rounds in the wee hours of morning of this eventful day. But disappointed with the fact that it didn't happen for me.

Nevertheless. Redemption (of the ego) is good for the soul, so they say. I headed to the open area, where I got my first taste of being in an army personnel vehicle. It was exhilirating, exciting, being sandwiched among fellow colleagues and taken for a ride, more exciting than any theme park ride I could remember trying out.

Pushing my hair out of my mouth and from my face, clearing mud from my cheeks much later... I say, it was AWESOME!