Damaged souls..

Restlessness creeps in
Doubt engulfs your soul
Still mad, still upset
Questions lingerin...

The expectations, the desire
For want of more
For want of fulfilment
Curiousities encroached..

Quiet tears fill the night
Amos' words ring in your ear
So sad.. it's like a good book I can't put this...
Day bad.. A sorta fairytale with you...

Ride alongside you....
Ride... ride.. till you lost me....... on the open road...

Not ready to make nice...

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting


*From Dixie Chicks, Taking the Long Way

Adrenaline... rush!

Unbelievably fantastic! As cheesy as it sounds, it was fantabulous. Being able to exercise one of your top ten to do things for the year blows your mind!

I'm talking about being able to shoot a real gun, with live bullets and being in army camp, soaking in the explosive gunshots, drills and strict military instructions. And to have pictures to prove it really rocks on!

Awesome!

Adrenaline will wear off shortly, and the Valley Girl talk too. But I must say taking part in the Armed Forces Media Day changed perceptions, open minds, and was a whole lot of fun.

Starting the day early at 630am, no one knew what to expect. Having zero experience with guns and live ammunition, we were given the quick rundown of how to use a weapon, choice of the M-16 or ACR Steyr. As a newbie, I was advised to use the Steyr, lighter, easier handling (so they say) and a scope to help aim at the targets.

Being a natural klutz, my practice session saw me shooting at the hills, around the target but not at the target. Clearing bullets from the shell of the rifle was a task in itself requiring strength I did not possess. Yoga sessions at the gym is not working as fast as I would like it to.

Safety was priority at the sessions, with each contestant aided by a minder, helping you load you weapon clear it and ensure the safety lock was on and that you do not point the gun at her or at your colleague standing right beside you.

Crunch time came when we were assigned teams and rivals. All geared up, with ear plugs in place, Steyr in the right hand and magazines held by my minder. We ran 50 metres towards the canvas where we took our positions, aiming at the metal plates 100 metres away. Clinching the weapon close to my shoulder, squinting to get a good aim........and pulling the trigger. Nothing happened. I tried it again, getting help from my minder to clear the barrel, and took position, aimed again, nothing happened. Argh! I thought to myself, hearing the explosive shots all around me I felt I was going to be the reason for the team to lose. Grr. After a few seconds of fiddling with the rifle, my minder confirmed that the rifle was jammed. Jammed? I thought it was my natural klutziness that led me to this nail biting, tension mounting moment. Argh. Soon it was time to pull back the weapon, check the safety latches and step out of the shooting area.

I contented myself with the fact that I got a chance to practice and fire a few rounds in the wee hours of morning of this eventful day. But disappointed with the fact that it didn't happen for me.

Nevertheless. Redemption (of the ego) is good for the soul, so they say. I headed to the open area, where I got my first taste of being in an army personnel vehicle. It was exhilirating, exciting, being sandwiched among fellow colleagues and taken for a ride, more exciting than any theme park ride I could remember trying out.

Pushing my hair out of my mouth and from my face, clearing mud from my cheeks much later... I say, it was AWESOME!

Crinkle-free

Lists are fun. This is post #2 on details of unnecessary information
I am full of myself, once told, something I am not necessarily proud about. I rather be termed bull headed or stubborn, giving in rarely to exchanges that do not always drive home the point.
But I am also human, like the 6,499,999,999 people in the world today and will embarass myself at some point in life.
Things that make me go.. .."darn ...that was embarassing..."

1. Having fluff on my skirt
2. Getting into the wrong car... ahem
3. Misquotes
4. Listening the old man's jokes
5. Watching the old man inspecting vehicle tyres not of his own in a workshop
6. Splitting pants in yoga class
7. Having breakfast wearing your favourite top worn inside out
8. Insisting harpischord is an instrument
9. Losing at scrabble

Nine. I can live with that.:)

Ten.

A yoga instructor, teaching meditation, once told me to clear my head, relax and focus on my breathing. After imagining my lungs expanding and contracting for about five seconds, which can feel like eternity, I found myself dozing off.
He assured me and the nine others in this 7am class that meditation will help alleviate stress, keep minds focussed, and emotions balanced. Perhaps I am getting it wrong, because meditation is certainly helping me fall asleep, once a problem for me.

I digress.

I find my head cluttered with 1001 trivialities and issues of the (my tiny) world, hence why the meditation class was much desired.
At times wishing life came with a manual, I would then turn to page 61 to find that it was time go back to school, quit my job, get a pet iguana, or something of that effect.

I reckon, listing down the things I want to do or haven't done yet fun or otherwise, will help in me in authoring my own life manual. Serious or not, it didn't really matter. As long as I articulate it in my head, it should see progress. Someday.... soon...

1. Learn how to climb. A rock. Wall or mountain. Commando style over high security walls would be exciting but will pose issues.
2. Learn how to shoot. I had a conversation over breakfast today with a gf, she wanted to learn how to fly a plane, I wanted to shoot a gun, of course, in a controlled environment. She didn't look convinced.
3. Take up martial arts. Another friend introduced me to a slow paced kung fu, tai chi type class. I didn't seem so keen. I was interested in a lot of kicking action, blood drawing jabs and uppercuts. The gf in question had similar puzzling looks as in the one in no.2.
4. Learn to swim. No explanation needed. I figured as an adult I should get over the my "drowning " incident when I was six. It didn't matter if it happened in a kiddy pool.
5. Tantric yoga - Madonna's physique at her age is self explanatory
6. Set up an outfit to help abandoned children, orphans and homeless kittens.
7. Learn Mandarin - My primary school teacher once told me that I needed to learn Mandarin to work in a bank. The ironies, nevertheless, it's not too late to start on my mother tongue.
8. Teach English in Cambodia. I'm never known to be a patient person. But I reckon in this environment, it will teach me that much treasured virtue.
9. Help build a school in Cambodia
10. Own a singel ringen

Ten. Not a very long list. Not a terribly easy list too. Certainly, though, a list worth keeping.

I learn.

I realised .... I got it all wrong.

A close friend was right over afternoon coffee..... It took him so many years of failed friendships, relationships and ships of sorts to learn lessons of life.
I realised all these years, these numerous exchanges and experiences with people, with colours that life offers us I've been using on the wrong approaches in these ships of sorts.

I fail to understand that expectations can't be imposed, and that I had been treading on the wrong path all these years. Yes, as much as I mock my pal about not discovering this earlier, I am guilty of it. I state the boundaries in my head, I state the conditions in my life, I make the mistake of doing the same for others. Control as some would like to label it, I'd like to cry the plea of ignorance.

I forget that as much I enjoy fluidity, openness, I impose expectations, conditions and placements on people I care for without realising how much I hurt them. It’s the same journey each time I take when I behave this way, selfishly, not realising that constricting, expecting, cause pain and push people away. Friends, lovers and closed confidantes.

People change, people have their spaces and lives, and I do not give them the benefit of doubt, selfishly I ask, I plea, for values, time, space and conveniences that often or not, undeserving of me. Friendships, relationships and ships of sorts are not possessions, not within my control, not mine and mine alone.

I have to open my mind, values, moods, thoughts, feelings. I’d like to believe I’m generous, but clearly has shown that I’m not. Here…….I apologise to those whom I’ve hurt or had scarred. I want so much it slips through my fingers, I squeeze so tight it suffocates, I love so hard it breaks.

I hope to move on, to learning lessons of importance, in preserving friendships, relationships, ships of sorts, I won’t be not guilty of expecting again.

I let go and let live.

Who, why.. when..

Who really knows
Who really knows what lies in you..
Who ever questions…
Who asks

They try
They try, to come close
They want to, to come close
But do they come close enough?

The life of solitude
The life of one
The life of independence
The life of freedom

I built the wall
I built the comfort
I built the strength
I built it. On my own.

Who, who wants to come in?
Why, why want to venture
When, when will they reach
The point, to understand

Who knows.

Dark days. I am told. To have resilience. To have strength. To snap out of it.

How do people know what to do when days are dark, I often wonder. Will these advices work. I often ask.
I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for not trying hard enough. For not being able to battle harder.
For not letting the tears stop their salty pearls from sliding down the cheeks.

I anger over old issues. That injustices are served. Integrity not kept. Promises broken.
I should be used to it by now, no excuses that I am an emotional human being. I don't anger over others. I anger in myself.

I recall the vows I made. I recall the happy smiles when they sing Christmas songs, I see in them, only to really know the pains they sleep with. The blood that bleeds.
I recall seeing the cardboard boxes, folded carefully as if they were blankets, as if they were beds. I recall watching her walk the alley, as if it was her private room.
I watch the one-arm girl smile and play by the coffeehouse, in her pretty white dress.
I do not envy. I do not only want to sympathise. I compel. I will not advertise. I don't talk about actions.

What I can do now is to strengthen resilience, resolve. Maintain my beliefs, be nothing but honest. Be nothing but true to myself, despite the prickly thorns that are little irritants in life. Taken in stride, taken with strength. Resolve.

They were right. It does work.

Two syllable words

Alone. Two syllables, not difficult to pronounce, neither tough to spell.
Happy. Same number of syllables, easy speech.
Who would ever realise these two words are difficult to admit with honesty.
Rare are those who can mouth these words with conviction.
With honesty.
Without playing up to facades of their owns or of plays written by others.
Even more rare I find those who can coin these two words together in simplicity to mean..
Alone Happy. Happy Alone.

Crazy...

Not sayin'
not charmed at all
Not sayin'
that you weren't worth
the fall

And I was alone when
I knew it was real
Down the canyon
when I knew I had come

To the line
Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn

When you said
You could drive
all night
Drive all night

So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in

Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just
unzip your religion down"

Found that I
I craved at all
Saw me melt
into your
native shelter

Where you carved my
name
Paper tigers scare
and came
Alive

Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn
When you said

You could drive all night
all night
Drive all night

So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in

Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just
unzip your religion down"

So I let Crazy
pull me in
Then I let Crazy
take his spin

Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just unzip
your religion down"

Heard that you were once
"Temptation's girl"
And as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head

He will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
If I know Crazy


*Tori Amos, Scarlet's Walk

When I grow up..

Some things in life we take for granted, the fact that our laundry is done without our knowledge, ready made food on the table when we get home, our socks folded neatly in our drawers.


I am not short of this guilt, amidst the madness that runs in my head or the exaggerated dramas placed in my mind, I forget those close to me who are important and go unnoticed.


I return from a sharing session with a character older and wiser than I, who has seen life's trials and errors through jaded eyes and whoses eyes crinkle when they relay a decade old joke.


I believe we find ourselves in this situation some time and time again and do not recognise the need for openness, understanding and acceptance. I am blessed for forces beyond me gives me the chance to be accepted, understood and to be open.


I have had these encounters rarely and am again amazed at the levels of which this relationship has developed into. Twenty years ago, we would not have been able to talk about politics, love, pains and share lame jokes. Twenty yrs ago, he would have been advising me on which school textbooks to buy, how not to chew with my mouth open and to say hello aunty to strangers.


When I grow up.. I want to be like him.

I would want to be able to share as much as I can with my next of kin, the levels of conversation, thought and hopefully more intelligent jokes. When I grow up I want to be like my good old man.


A post dedicated to those fathers who have been able to share a bottle and half of Carlsberg with their 20-something (ahem) daughters... A post dedicated to my old man... who drank more than I did! And mothers too. :)