Wounds uncovered, wounds healed

It was a nudge, it was a wake up call. I admit, it was something I was not prepared for.

I kept it under wraps for five years, six maybe.. I woke up to realise that I speak about acceptance, about differences, I had not accepted it.

The same close confidante pointed out an invisible wall around me. A wall I hardly realise, a wall I never imagined I could have built. How was it visible..

We never realise ourselves how we portray our happiness, our pain, our contentment. I did it by hiding, letting drown deep, deep into my past.

I'd never thought I'd speak about it again, but I'm very glad that I was shown this wall, shown this chance that I have to accept the pains, and the relief one feels after difficult moment.

It was exactly that wall. I build around me to protect from being hit again. To protect from being abused again. To stop from lashes of pain at me again. To stop the profanities, to stop the disrespect. To stop the throws, to stop the control.

I feel a burden leaving, I feel the acceptance. I thank you to you, for showing me that life's experiences does not make you any weaker.. It teaches you to accept that mistakes happen, pain hits you, and you DO find happiness, contentment.

How does one do that, I found it in accepting.

Acceptance

I love reflections. I love reflections amidst the blasting of my favourite songs. I find it gives me the peace, contentment, the 'one-ness' I have with myself.

I spoke long and hard with a close confidante one night. Of dreams, of aspirations, of the people we meet. How difficult it is to gain acceptance, how difficult it is to not be judged. How difficult it is to just live by your standards and not others. Time and time again, we are asked of the choices we make, the options we choose and the thoughts we have. No harm's done, but no value enhanced.

T-shirts and jeans as opposed to pretty dresses. Being alone as opposed to be in groups. Being simple as opposed to having a roomful of things. We live our lives differently and we respect each other it, we have our individualistic traits and idiosyncracies. But, do we accept each other's differences?

We are ultimately simple people. We all want to be happy with our choices, live by them, abide by them and accept them, even if it means to offend, we apologise. But it does not make us different from the person at the opposite end of the table, it does not make us evil or tainted. It makes us different. It enriches us. Can we take a step back to understand this?

Let's celebrate other's differences, let's celebrate each other's colourful lives. Let's live.

A story of a girl

Let me tell u a story of girl
Who wants to be nothing but herself
Who wants nothing but to be treated right
Who wants nothing but respect

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who loves unconditionally
Who gives away willingly
Who wants to be loved the same way

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who loved so hard, she was hit
Who cared so much, she felt burnt
Who accepted all, healing wounds of her own.

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who loved someone not of her own
Who waited for him to free himself
Who sat alone, drying tears with her hands

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who waited by the sidelines
Who stood by her partner, dreams a flailing, and far away beckoning
Who swallowed every line, inch and ego

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who woke up tonight
Who snapped into reality again
Who realised there is unconditional love around her.

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who stands for no more lies
Who stands for no more empty promises
Who holds her own.

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who finally grew up.

Kacang puteh grins and warmth

It's been a while since I've been on a road trip alone. Deciding to take one the last weekend out of spontaneity is certainly welcomed.

Not too far this time is the destination, Ipoh, the main town of Perak, a state located in the northern region of Peninsular Malaysia, some two hours drive from Kuala Lumpur. Taking a slow drive towards this town, sights of limestone caves is beautiful. Boasting of the lack of photographic talent, I applied my little skills to snapping some photographs. Needless to say it was not as pretty as you see it in real life, I enjoyed the memories just the same.

What struck me the most is the warmth of people in Ipoh, actually, it would not be fair to single out this northern town as having friendly folk as most Malaysians generally offer a smile or two your way. I met this Kacang Puteh man, only to be known as Kacang Puteh man (because I did the unjournalistic practice of NOT asking his name), selling his wares outside the post office near Canning Garden. He not only generously filled my RM5 or US$1.38 bag with nuts and delicious murukus, he allowed free tasting of his other products. There I was happily satisfying my weakness for such tasty Indian murukkus or chakklis.

Although people always tell you that it is a rarity to find warmth and generosity these days, I found it in this kacang puteh man, under a mango tree in Ipoh.

Pain and pins

I received a phone call one night, cancelling a coffee meet. The confidante had to attend to another person.

The other person just had a squabble with a loved one, which ended up being physical, leaving the other person in tears.

I sigh with empathy when I hear news like this. My prayers are with this person, strength as well.

It rewinds me to musings of when I was in pain. Being physical did not only hurt. It also gave me the ugly thought of retaliating. And hurting very badly. Anger is a horrible when uncontrolled. Heck anger is horrible in itself.

I do not question the reasons for the incompatibilities of two people, but I question the reason or justification for inflicting pain on to others. I do not believe anyone has the right to do so.

The person that inflicted similar pain in my life, I've moved on from, my only wishes for him is to not inflict it on others.

(Source: www.bugglefug.com/gallery/albums/aimee/pain.jpg)

Comrades, buddies, confidantes, close ones..

I dedicate this space to those who are close to my heart. In times of distress, anger, pain, tears.. you've been there for me.

In times of happiness, elation, excitement, joy and giddy humour, you've not left my side.


You know who you are. You know how much you mean to me. Thank you.

French-bitten

Dear diary,

The short experience in France welcomes me to new sights, sounds and senses. For most, visiting Paris is an experience described as romantic, cultured .. But I differ in opinion.

Being in Paris was synonymous with all big cities, impressive, busy but anonymous. Although having your breath taken away by the magnificent structures and architecture, I believe Asian counterparts can rival the European monuments. I thoroughly soaked in the awe and indulged in clicks of the camera as we rode the elevator , all the way to the top of the Eiffel Tower- the 3rd floor as it was termed. Two hundred and seventy-six metres from the ground. It was - beautiful. It certainly gave me a different perspective of Paris..
Having parted with 10 Euros for that skyline view is one charm of France I'd not forget.

But more importantly, I found warmth in a smaller sight of France, in Montpellier, three hours from the French capital.

Located by the Mediterranean Sea, Montpellier oozes of the warmth and coziness that Paris so lack, albeit a few hiccups with bureaucracies of airport systems.

The element that made Montpellier so special, amidst its centuries' old European architecture, cathedrals and cobblestone paths, were our hosts and our friends.

Travelling with varying nationalities adds the colour, spice, culture, humour and most heartwarming of all, the friendships. While sipping the various sweet wines and giggling over the common jokes, the enriching experience of seeing the sights of France is shared.

Whistle a happy tune...

The line from the King and I comes to mind the other day when I was driving a financial forum, in the heart of the city.

Already late, I was weaving in and out of traffic to make it to the my destination, where proceedings were scheduled to start at 8am.

I glanced at my watch, only to find that, I had better be ready to prepare the excuse of better late than never for my hosts.

While waiting for traffic to clear.... I caught a glimpse of a man, not much older than 40years, an age I deduced from the white headphones he was using, walking along the sidewalks. Dressed in light shirt and tie, it was obvious with the knapsack on his back, this gentleman was making his way to work. Obviously walking, his choice, was a better mode of transportation. I make a calculated guess that he is part of the Ipod clan that is working pervasively to recruit new members. I digress.

What was more striking in my mind, etched until today, is this man was obviously enjoying his music. Arms waving, singing loudly (I could only guess).. and walking with a rhythmic beat that drivers could only be envious of. I smile, obviously jealous he had an Ipod and he was not going to be late for work, but more to how this man enjoys his music, being perfectly comfortable in singing in public ... and having no care to what the public might perceive of him.

I say I envy not cause of the gadgets he has or the fact that he will not run into traffic problems. I envy because he is happy. He lets go at no qualms to how he reacts, behaves just because he has a good time.

I am happy to have found someone like him. I am happy that people do let themselves go. It is time I do too.

Never.. say never..

I'd never thought. Life does offer lessons of a different kind.

Comfort zone. Too familiar, too close to home. It's amazing how spending a little time out of your luxuries make you appreciate the littleness that you have even so much more.

I'd never thought I'd say it, but living in a diverse archipelago allowed exposures previously unheard of.

Exposures of whinges of a different kind, complaints different in nature... exposures of life that can be prickly.

I realise how little my countrymen appreciate of the conveniences, the clear pathways and clean walkways.

The cities in the archipelago offer colours of a different kind, streets streaked with people without homes, children without clean clothes and desperation beyond description.

It has taught me bigger pictures, it has taught me a bigger understanding. It has offered lessons of patience, tolerance and ironically at the other end of the spectrum.. chances to be vocal.

I cringe at the times I slip back into my comfort zone. I hope I will not each time I remember the faces of the people living with nice cars, clothes, only with cardboard boxes.

Arousals of a different kind.

The story is no different. The story is not new. As a close friend once put it, ride it .. and see where it takes you.

Routine is not fancied, eccentricity is sought. But, having taken the road less .. travelled, as Frost says, will have its risks.. disappointments and failing expectations.

I encounter this time, time again. I should not be surprised at its outcomes.. The hurt, disappointment and sadness are not new experiences to me. I love not knowing the entire truth, not knowing the entire story.. I love discovering.

But discovering brings upon details you would rather not know, details you'd expect to stick close to norm.

It's time to understand then when the choice is not from the normal mould.. its consequences are of a different kind.

Accept that your conscious decisions of exploring life through different moulds of people, will lead to disappointments, failing expectations and sometimes salty tears.

Life is a journey, people say. I'd say people are journeys themselves.. I'd take this current trip as another, experience, an experience that began so so rosy, warm and full of love. A journey that is now leaving a slight bitter aftertaste.. and may end in a bittersweet way.

You're right, you can't tell what can happen in the future. But you can at least grasp what's happening right this minute.

The wheel that goes around and round..

Sensation seeking, risk takers, total blindness, call it what you want, it is an experience that some crave for, some avoid like plague.

I find that the forces that be have big lessons to teach me, and so it was taught when I met a person unexpected revealing the truths to me. Truths I'd never be able to believe if I read it in tomorrow's newspaper. She opened herself to me in unbelievable ways, ways that I'd never planned, seen and expected.

She brings back a part of history that I thought was long gone, long buried, a secret that would have never surfaced if the chanced meeting was never made.

More pertinently, she brings a secret I am guilty for, I have shelved and left aside. She brings a lesson that is hard to learn. Never hurt others. Never hurt your loved ones, never hurt total strangers. Because life's lessons have a unique way of presenting themselves to you.

She brings a lesson I should have learn before I learnt to walk. Honesty...

The culture that is beyond..

Enough. That was the first thought that crossed my mind when I arrived to the shores of my homeland. The experience of a different life, culture and environment opened my eyes and mind to all things new.

We've stayed quiet for far too long, far too still. An old cliche it may be, but it is a great gift that is bestowed to us by the powers that be. The ability to think. The ability to realise our beliefs, values and principles. Stand up, Malaysians, it's not time to keep quiet and side on the sidelines. Let's speak up, let's fight for justice, let's set things somewhat straight, if a little crooked.

Let's do it together.

Of losses and ironies

I find that life's choices can be ironic. Ironically funny, ironically sarcastic and ironically painful. I never considered myself a risk taker, most of time fearing change. Horribly indecisive that I am, is a hard thing to believe as most know me as being assertive, knowing what I want.

Change comes slow to some, while others are comfortable with change overnight. I find that change is slow for me, albeit, my risk-taking fear has diminished so slight, I feel it is time to take stock of what I have done and what I want to do, at least in the next 24 months or so.

It is time I believe, to acknowledge that I will not be part of the herd, and not to have myself influenced by others. It is time. One step. Then many more, I hope then the dreams of being in an environment to help others will come true. It took me too long a while to identify that this is where I will be heading. People say you need to be taken out of your comfort zone to be able to see things in clearer light. I believe that I have.

My first post

It began on a warm and sunny day in the Rizal Library, at the Ateneo de Manila University, out of boredom, curiousity and hunger for stimulation.

This is my first entry into the world of bytes and blogs.

I've always wanted to venture into the cyberspace, first with baby steps, hopefully graduate to mammoth ones.

I realise one thing, though, coming back to school has refreshed my mind about critical thoughts and challenging arguments. Pray, that it will spill over right here, in this tiny space of ambiguity.

Cheers.