I learn.

I realised .... I got it all wrong.

A close friend was right over afternoon coffee..... It took him so many years of failed friendships, relationships and ships of sorts to learn lessons of life.
I realised all these years, these numerous exchanges and experiences with people, with colours that life offers us I've been using on the wrong approaches in these ships of sorts.

I fail to understand that expectations can't be imposed, and that I had been treading on the wrong path all these years. Yes, as much as I mock my pal about not discovering this earlier, I am guilty of it. I state the boundaries in my head, I state the conditions in my life, I make the mistake of doing the same for others. Control as some would like to label it, I'd like to cry the plea of ignorance.

I forget that as much I enjoy fluidity, openness, I impose expectations, conditions and placements on people I care for without realising how much I hurt them. It’s the same journey each time I take when I behave this way, selfishly, not realising that constricting, expecting, cause pain and push people away. Friends, lovers and closed confidantes.

People change, people have their spaces and lives, and I do not give them the benefit of doubt, selfishly I ask, I plea, for values, time, space and conveniences that often or not, undeserving of me. Friendships, relationships and ships of sorts are not possessions, not within my control, not mine and mine alone.

I have to open my mind, values, moods, thoughts, feelings. I’d like to believe I’m generous, but clearly has shown that I’m not. Here…….I apologise to those whom I’ve hurt or had scarred. I want so much it slips through my fingers, I squeeze so tight it suffocates, I love so hard it breaks.

I hope to move on, to learning lessons of importance, in preserving friendships, relationships, ships of sorts, I won’t be not guilty of expecting again.

I let go and let live.