Sometimes..

just sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself..

Any suggestions?

s.t.o.p.

Read a good book.

Smell the flowers.

Take time off (from) myself.

Time to listen, Sus.

Talking about everything and nothing

It does not have to be Confucius' Golden Mean's rule.

It can just be singing a tune out of the Marines' song, the one with Tripoli in it.

It does not have to be about heavy questions on the discrepancies in China and Burma's regimes.

It can be just about laughing about Rick Astley's silly jig in his one hit wonder music video. No I am not repeating it here.

I miss it. That.

I am NOT going to write you a love song..

*bounces about in rhythm..*

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while, the breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it’s too soon to see, If I’m happy in your hands

I’m unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you’ll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
’cause I believe there’s a way you can love me
Because I say
I won’t write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There’s a reason to
Write you a love song today

*Thank you Sarah Bareilles, for putting a smile on my days.

FEAR

Break out of it..

"This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime..."

from Bridges of Madison County...

I was reminded of this sad love story, of conflicted love and restrained romance.

Painful, heart wrenching, but beautiful just the same.

The idea then is to cherish, embrace and accept, that life's kinks makes it more meaningful.

Angry journalists..

Haha.

A simple, dressed down website where journalists/media practitioners gather to vent.

Nothing flamboyant about it, can't blame the host, since users spend hours decorating pages, web pages and prettying up television packages.

Check it out on the blogroll.

And, we wonder why we are so grumpy all the time?

Heh.

You know who you are...

Drew: - I thought you were in Hawaii.
- What's this?

Claire "When cremation is your preference."
I just got some brochures
I want you all to look at.

(And these are some choice of urns... available here
at the Cave Hill Cemetery.
You can take them home and...You can look at those brochures and...
Y'all can look at those, take those home with you.)

Whatever makes you happy.
We are shopping for an urn.
(And you can pick this up tomorrow immediately following the procedure.)

The Jim Morrison of Kentucky.

Drew: You're kind of great, Claire.
You do know that.

- Sort of amazing, even.

Claire: Oh, come on!
- I don't need an ice cream cone.

- It's not an ice cream cone.

Drew: What's an ice cream cone?


Claire: You know.
"Here's a little something to make you happy. "Something sweet that melts in five minutes."

I'm completely cool with anything you want to say or not say.

I don't need it.

Besides, Ben is coming in tomorrow.
- Do you want to hear my theory?

Drew:- Of course.

Claire:-You and I have a special talent, and I saw it immediately.

Drew:-Tell me.

Claire:-We're the substitute people.

The substitute people.

I've been the substitute person my whole life.

I'm not an Ellen.

I never wanted to be an Ellen.

And I'm not a Cindy, either.
Although Chucks love me.

I'm sure they do.

I like being alone too much.

I mean, I'm with a guy who's married to his academic career.

I rarely see him.
And I'm the substitute person there.

I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure.

Here.

Play this for the loudest kid in the world.

Drew:-I'm not used to girls like you.

Claire:-That's because I'm one of a kind.

Drew:-You don't have to make a joke.

I like you without the jokes.

Claire:-Get some sleep.

I have a personnel interview tomorrow morning...

and if I get transferred, Ben will die.
Didn't it just feel better...
that we just didn't
do something impulsive?

- I mean...
- Yes.

Now we actually have a shot at being friends...

for the rest of our lives.
The rest of our lives.


*Excerpt from Elizabethtown... thank you to patient fans who transcribed the entire movie script.

I was about to..

Give it up..

and give it up..

I will smile, I deserve better..

I love my life.... celebrating my daily anniversaries...:)

I've learnt.. and I'm still learning..

Gems are rare, but when found, are cherished..
Love crosses all boundaries with no discriminations...

Quiet time teaches calmness...
Sincerity exists, rare, once found, exists wholeheartedly...

And letting go is the hardest, once achieved, liberates the soul...

Short time I've been out of my comfort zone. And the neighbours have heard me talking to myself, from the times I've walked home, and the times I let off steam within the four walls.

I have grown (hopefully) a little wiser, a little older (gulp).. to love a little more..

Having lost someone dear before you lose the zone, I must say, makes you grow up.

I've found that the uncontrollable tears will stop once you learn to breathe, slower, and calmer..

I've also found that the idiosyncracies are similar, the whines no different and the colours of culture ever so beautiful.

My initial feelings of angst and distaste, fizzle (not completely), after I learn to stop, look and go..

I've learnt that bonds I share are ever so strong and the strength of new ones grow each day.

I thank the forces that be, the support, and the love around me, for teaching me and showing me.

Learn from the good. Leave the bad.

And, if I turned back the clock to do it again? I would say a resounding yes.

There is a sense of appreciation and love I have for the beings, things, smells and touches around me.

I love it.

The morning after...

Nomination Day of the Malaysian general elections.

Strange. Your body tells you to sleep. Your mind is too tired to.

My comrade is mixing red bull and carbonated drinks. I worry.

My other is suffering from heatstroke.

Day two.. Phew.

Democracy lives! (hopefully).

It's 2am.

Salty pillows don't exactly make good companions.
But you make do with what you have.

It can be cold.... But I've learnt to make it warmer.
I've been dismissed many times..... I learn to take it tougher.

I've ceased explaining.... And replying to the cordials..
I'd rather be real about reality.

Not pretend that it is warm and fuzzy.

I only stay up because I have trouble resting.
I don't worry but I don't want addiction.

Only way I find help.... Is first, to help myself.

Half a box of kleenex.

i believe that is always going to be my life story.

Having sinus or cold attacks drives the sales of kleenex i reckon. and this new year's eve is no different.

But having said that, as crude as it sounds. it is all about letting out the old and embracing the new.

A girlfriend told me about the law of attraction and how it works, if you think positively, you will draw positive energies into your life and vice versa. (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)..

so like i always share with a close confidante, the new year, as we always hope, will bring loads of positive change. (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)

reflecting back, this year has seen some losses, changes, chapters closed, new chapters open, and no change to the nicotine addiction.

i would not ask for a better year, albeit there was much kleenex involved, but not trade this for a million bucks.

i don't want to make resolutions, or make promises to myself i cannot keep but i want to wade through the muddy waters(much like in mersing) and enjoy the clear blue skies as and when they come my way.

i have no regrets, only to be open, more tolerant and calmer in the year ahead. and perhaps work my way to my true calling... (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)...


voila.. here's to a 2008 that will be unforgettable..

"People have scars in all sort of unexpected places, like secret road maps of they are personal histories, diagrams of they're old wounds. Most of our wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere, and though the cut's long gone, the pain, still lingers."


- Anonymous

Quiet nights and pink keyboards....

It is like these crazy moments I miss the most, especially during quiet nites here.

It is the festive period when most are out and about, in groups and in the midst of celebrations.

Makes me long for home even more...

My usual view on nites like these (see second pic), resting in the space I temporarily call my own, catching up on news and trendy, ahem, shows I missed.

Not complaining. Just in moments like these I suppose there is more time to reflect, think and find some peace within myself. Very zen.......no?

Hence, I learn to appreciate the little things I have taken for granted, time, patience and kindness.. In the meantime I am going to get used to my rubberized keyboard (see third picture). Pink like candy. Ha.:)

I burnt a button

when ironing this evening. How is that possible I don't know.

I amaze myself each day at the discoveries I make, from the mistakes I make, and from the lessons taught to me.

I've been settling in a new environment slowly for the past few weeks. Admittedly rain makes it a little difficult, not impossible, but a little difficult when the echoes of emptiness fills the hours.

Last Sunday was overwhelming. I suppose each chapter came to a close, the thought of moving on, changing, a loved one passing on, leaving people I love behind and finally physically being in a new place.

An hour passed and I looked at my the empty flat and clothes-filled bag. And I couldn't stop the sobs.

I am grateful for the support I have, the kindness shown to me so far.. A close friend's simple words were, take a day at a time and soon it will seem less grey.

I suppose it is all about switching mindsets and perspectives of the choices you make in life. I feel limbo-like now, not really wanting to go home, but not particularly liking the choices I have made. But again, those words ring in my head.

A day at a time. I'll do that.. for now.

She said goodbye...

Goodbye, she says...
We wished her well..

It was a bleak weekend for all of us here.. Not entirely unexpected, still the departure caught some of us by surprise.

She was good to us.... she gave, cared and loved. The long conversations in the tiny kitchen, the stories of charcoal-ed irons and starched pants..

She, a strong woman, she was. We thanked her, asked for forgiveness and pray she is now in a better place...

Things to do when you're idle..(Part 2)

It's been two months (or more?) since I've left the wonderful world of employment.. The break has been a good one, leaving me much room to meet up with old friends, catch up on myself and spend the much needed quality time with the loved ones.

In the time that I have had to myself, aside from closing the school chapter (well it is 90% closed), I have learnt so much, perhaps lessons I neglected, and lessons I needed to be taught in the course of life.

How to be patient was one, how to appreciate the comforts of home and the peeves of your parents, how to let go and pray for the end of suffering for those in pain.



I have learnt that some friendships have to end, and some treasured forever. I have learnt managing expectations is still a raw lesson, and that I
still need to refine it.
But I have learnt to be a little more (I am only still human) open, to care without caring for returns and to laugh again...

I've missed me.


I'm glad I found me.. and I'm glad to have found what it was to find me...

Seven year cycle...

Someone I once loved told me about his theory of the seven year cycle. How your life changes every seven years.

I wonder now if there is any truth to that.

Seven years ago.. I was breaking up with someone I wanted to marry. Permed my short cropped hair and dyed it bright neon red. Learnt how to smoke (designer pretensious cigarettes) and met a travelling juggler while filming at a park near Flinders Station. Worked at a community television station classifying gay and lesbian programmes and learnt how to grow tomatoes and brew scotch.

How does one top that?:)

But also. Seven years ago I was nearly hospitalised for heat stroke, nearly "dated" a bisexual (I swear I didn't know) and missed getting hit by a tram in Caulfield.

Goodness... Life is really full of wonders.

If I had a chance to do it all again, today, I would. This time, if I can dictate how my next seven yeas will be, I will date "her", brew single malts or invest in a winery instead.

And. Stick to my natural hair colour, thank you. :)

on my knees again...

Spring cleaning and I discovered this... played it on my cassette player and remembered somehow there are just memories you don't want to remember but you don't forget...

I remember the Kancil I drive home after our fights... I listen to Eckhardts voice, the tears, the cigarettes, the wee hours in the morning to seek refuge and calmness amidst the anger...

Or the times you kicked me out of your car, when you call me those names, when you hit so hard...
To be trodden and to be demeaned in the same breaths as I love you...

All those promises you made, those visions you offered us, how selfish were you, how insecure were you... How you shaped the way I perceive people today. I hated you.

It's not worth the energy no more. Her tunes brought me back to a time when I was at my unhappiest.

On my knees again, Tiffany Eckhardt

I don't remember what I said or who I said it to or what I said it for...
I don't remember how I got to when I woke up on the floor...
I know I said that I'd be home but I don't know what happened to the time...
I don't know how I got these bruises on my neck or this madness in my mind...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

I didn't think I'd lose control, I'd really thought I'd be fine...
But then agian you'd think I'd ever known cos it happens every time...
I lose my sight in bright light of the day..
I don't know how it is I could love you so much and hurt you in this way...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

You're such a clever, clever beast, but that whispers it's ok...
that smiling at me cos I'm fading away...
And sorry is such an empty-handed word when it has been heard a 1000 times...
I got to find myself a better way cos I'm wrong and out of lines...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...