The morning after...

Nomination Day of the Malaysian general elections.

Strange. Your body tells you to sleep. Your mind is too tired to.

My comrade is mixing red bull and carbonated drinks. I worry.

My other is suffering from heatstroke.

Day two.. Phew.

Democracy lives! (hopefully).

It's 2am.

Salty pillows don't exactly make good companions.
But you make do with what you have.

It can be cold.... But I've learnt to make it warmer.
I've been dismissed many times..... I learn to take it tougher.

I've ceased explaining.... And replying to the cordials..
I'd rather be real about reality.

Not pretend that it is warm and fuzzy.

I only stay up because I have trouble resting.
I don't worry but I don't want addiction.

Only way I find help.... Is first, to help myself.

Half a box of kleenex.

i believe that is always going to be my life story.

Having sinus or cold attacks drives the sales of kleenex i reckon. and this new year's eve is no different.

But having said that, as crude as it sounds. it is all about letting out the old and embracing the new.

A girlfriend told me about the law of attraction and how it works, if you think positively, you will draw positive energies into your life and vice versa. (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)..

so like i always share with a close confidante, the new year, as we always hope, will bring loads of positive change. (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)

reflecting back, this year has seen some losses, changes, chapters closed, new chapters open, and no change to the nicotine addiction.

i would not ask for a better year, albeit there was much kleenex involved, but not trade this for a million bucks.

i don't want to make resolutions, or make promises to myself i cannot keep but i want to wade through the muddy waters(much like in mersing) and enjoy the clear blue skies as and when they come my way.

i have no regrets, only to be open, more tolerant and calmer in the year ahead. and perhaps work my way to my true calling... (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)...


voila.. here's to a 2008 that will be unforgettable..

"People have scars in all sort of unexpected places, like secret road maps of they are personal histories, diagrams of they're old wounds. Most of our wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere, and though the cut's long gone, the pain, still lingers."


- Anonymous

Quiet nights and pink keyboards....

It is like these crazy moments I miss the most, especially during quiet nites here.

It is the festive period when most are out and about, in groups and in the midst of celebrations.

Makes me long for home even more...

My usual view on nites like these (see second pic), resting in the space I temporarily call my own, catching up on news and trendy, ahem, shows I missed.

Not complaining. Just in moments like these I suppose there is more time to reflect, think and find some peace within myself. Very zen.......no?

Hence, I learn to appreciate the little things I have taken for granted, time, patience and kindness.. In the meantime I am going to get used to my rubberized keyboard (see third picture). Pink like candy. Ha.:)

I burnt a button

when ironing this evening. How is that possible I don't know.

I amaze myself each day at the discoveries I make, from the mistakes I make, and from the lessons taught to me.

I've been settling in a new environment slowly for the past few weeks. Admittedly rain makes it a little difficult, not impossible, but a little difficult when the echoes of emptiness fills the hours.

Last Sunday was overwhelming. I suppose each chapter came to a close, the thought of moving on, changing, a loved one passing on, leaving people I love behind and finally physically being in a new place.

An hour passed and I looked at my the empty flat and clothes-filled bag. And I couldn't stop the sobs.

I am grateful for the support I have, the kindness shown to me so far.. A close friend's simple words were, take a day at a time and soon it will seem less grey.

I suppose it is all about switching mindsets and perspectives of the choices you make in life. I feel limbo-like now, not really wanting to go home, but not particularly liking the choices I have made. But again, those words ring in my head.

A day at a time. I'll do that.. for now.

She said goodbye...

Goodbye, she says...
We wished her well..

It was a bleak weekend for all of us here.. Not entirely unexpected, still the departure caught some of us by surprise.

She was good to us.... she gave, cared and loved. The long conversations in the tiny kitchen, the stories of charcoal-ed irons and starched pants..

She, a strong woman, she was. We thanked her, asked for forgiveness and pray she is now in a better place...

Things to do when you're idle..(Part 2)

It's been two months (or more?) since I've left the wonderful world of employment.. The break has been a good one, leaving me much room to meet up with old friends, catch up on myself and spend the much needed quality time with the loved ones.

In the time that I have had to myself, aside from closing the school chapter (well it is 90% closed), I have learnt so much, perhaps lessons I neglected, and lessons I needed to be taught in the course of life.

How to be patient was one, how to appreciate the comforts of home and the peeves of your parents, how to let go and pray for the end of suffering for those in pain.



I have learnt that some friendships have to end, and some treasured forever. I have learnt managing expectations is still a raw lesson, and that I
still need to refine it.
But I have learnt to be a little more (I am only still human) open, to care without caring for returns and to laugh again...

I've missed me.


I'm glad I found me.. and I'm glad to have found what it was to find me...

Seven year cycle...

Someone I once loved told me about his theory of the seven year cycle. How your life changes every seven years.

I wonder now if there is any truth to that.

Seven years ago.. I was breaking up with someone I wanted to marry. Permed my short cropped hair and dyed it bright neon red. Learnt how to smoke (designer pretensious cigarettes) and met a travelling juggler while filming at a park near Flinders Station. Worked at a community television station classifying gay and lesbian programmes and learnt how to grow tomatoes and brew scotch.

How does one top that?:)

But also. Seven years ago I was nearly hospitalised for heat stroke, nearly "dated" a bisexual (I swear I didn't know) and missed getting hit by a tram in Caulfield.

Goodness... Life is really full of wonders.

If I had a chance to do it all again, today, I would. This time, if I can dictate how my next seven yeas will be, I will date "her", brew single malts or invest in a winery instead.

And. Stick to my natural hair colour, thank you. :)

on my knees again...

Spring cleaning and I discovered this... played it on my cassette player and remembered somehow there are just memories you don't want to remember but you don't forget...

I remember the Kancil I drive home after our fights... I listen to Eckhardts voice, the tears, the cigarettes, the wee hours in the morning to seek refuge and calmness amidst the anger...

Or the times you kicked me out of your car, when you call me those names, when you hit so hard...
To be trodden and to be demeaned in the same breaths as I love you...

All those promises you made, those visions you offered us, how selfish were you, how insecure were you... How you shaped the way I perceive people today. I hated you.

It's not worth the energy no more. Her tunes brought me back to a time when I was at my unhappiest.

On my knees again, Tiffany Eckhardt

I don't remember what I said or who I said it to or what I said it for...
I don't remember how I got to when I woke up on the floor...
I know I said that I'd be home but I don't know what happened to the time...
I don't know how I got these bruises on my neck or this madness in my mind...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

I didn't think I'd lose control, I'd really thought I'd be fine...
But then agian you'd think I'd ever known cos it happens every time...
I lose my sight in bright light of the day..
I don't know how it is I could love you so much and hurt you in this way...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

You're such a clever, clever beast, but that whispers it's ok...
that smiling at me cos I'm fading away...
And sorry is such an empty-handed word when it has been heard a 1000 times...
I got to find myself a better way cos I'm wrong and out of lines...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

This song.. came to mind after a long conversation about filial piety...

Corrinne May's Fly Away

"When will you be home?" she asks as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
SIlver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh...
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

When hearts go cold..

You sit in the dark, wait for the next light of hope...You ask, often, let your mind go...
Why, the knots, the pain, the hurt....

You seek the solace, comforts of the familiar... How fragile your heart, you reach...
For the remnances of love, you wished you had wholehearted...

You wonder, why you can't.. Can't let go, of the safe, warm, longing..
Of the love you once thought you held, close to your heart...

You put your hands together... Wipe those salty reminders away...
You resolve, embrace and strengthen....

We interrupt this programme..

Again.

Ten reasons why I have temporary (!) insomnia:

1. I've missed my Master's Project deadline by two weeks
2. I am constructing and reconstructing 7,000 odd words to make them flow
3. I have been out of a routine for the last 31 days and have no sense of time (refer back to 1)
4. I met a "past love" and reigniting my TV relationship with him
5. I am relocating!
6. I am excited about watching Pendekar Bujang Lapok again (refer to 3)
7. I can't find my secret whiskey stash - grr
8. I can't conclude the arguments in my head about ethics and blogging
9. Lavender oil keeps me awake
10. I've broken my power tool..... gotcha!

Biar, sings Rossa....

jangan kau pergi lagi meninggalkanku
sepi ku sendiri
jangan kau buat aku terbalut sunyi
kini kau berada dekat denganku

biar, biarkan aku mengisi ruang di hatimu
karena ku selalu memikirkanmu, mencintamu
biar, biarkan cinta bersemu di dalam hatimu
jadikan ku bagian di hidupmu, di jiwamu

ku tak bisa berhenti menginginkanmu
hidup terasa hampa tanpamu

*This must the shortest song I have ever come across.

Sleep-less.

Its been a while,
Been a while since I feel so broken...
Broken and scarred...
Sad and in pain....
Where love cease existence..
Where emptiness prevails...


Tire of trying...
Tire of battling..
Lest I seek to question, again and again..
Whenst pages are shortened... words are erased..
When compromise is reached....


I still hold a torch for unconditional love.. and complete acceptance...
The tears are less.. but..questions remain...
When..when....when....


I still hold the torch, till the body tired, minds jade and
tears run dry...

Pfth

I hate it when I can't sleep.

Poofta.

Self crisis

Over a dinner conversation recently, my dinner companions and I chatted excitedly (or less to some) about luxury purchases.

A little too generalising, some may opine, but the purchases seem be a catching trend among individuals in a certain age group.

One companion had immediately likened the buying spree to a response to "mid-life" crisis. I personally thought these purchases were gender specific.

But, I do not judge people for their behaviour patterns, it interests me to note this "phenomenan", a term to justify the act of purchasing.

I find that mid-life crisis is not gender specific, with purchases like the branded tote bag, Manolo Blahnik shoes or a facelift surfacing as hot topics amongst women.

I thought of taking this to another level.

Perhaps theory of self could be reason enough to explain why people behave the way they do.

How after different phases of life, people think about paying more attention on themselves, their needs and wants.
It does not necessarily have to be material items, I just got word of a 40plus person keen on pursuing psychology courses, driven by keen interest.

Then again, I know of many and not differentiated by age, who splurge on spas (ahem), holidays (double ahem) and expensive skincare (aha!).

Would that be term as mid-life crisis. I wonder.

Maybe it is not a crisis to begin with. It is evolution of one's self, at different stages of his and her life.

Change (positive or otherwise) is to be embraced, I think, not scorned or brushed off at the first instance.

In the meantime. I will wait patiently for a free joyride in that luxury vehicle. Ha!:)

Facades.

This concept played in my head after a late night, long conversation with an old friend.


fa·cade /fəˈsɑd, fæ-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fuh-sahd, fa-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun
1. Architecture.
a. the front of a building, esp. an imposing or decorative one.
b. any side of a building facing a public way or space and finished accordingly.
2. a superficial appearance or illusion of something

Why do people do it?

source: dictionary.com

Standing up

I know. I should be sleeping. But I can't help it.

Something came to my mind. (ok. I know)

In the last 12 months, it has been a very interesting journey, in the course of meeting people, either professionally or otherwise.

I must say there is a better sense of clarity I feel now then 12 months ago. Amidst the deadlines and clutter I often (bring) encounter in my life.

One thing I did learn about is that it is difficult to leave comfort zones. I am fortunate to have little attachments that influence decisions for change. And nights like this I reflect on why I did not make my decisions earlier.

Regardless of that, I have to say that having kept to what you believe in for 12 months, years or significant periods of your life is tough.

I must say that I have met many, who have sung different tunes to suit the moods and played fans to different camps, to fit the selfish (unselfish?) purposes.

Not judging. Just reflecting. Perhaps also having the time off allows me to see things a little clearly and to take off those rose-tinted glasses I wear occasionally.

I might not have driven that luxury car, or purchased the fancy condominium with the sexy postcode.

But, I have made my decisions with a (rather) clear consience and with integrity, something I still believe the profession holds close to its heart.

And I continue to be driving my radio-less vehicle and living in what I make out as my own personal space.

Binge thinking...

This came up over an online chat with a close friend. It's similar to the lemon saying, when life hands you lemons you do some thing funky with it. (Or if life hands you a bottle of unopened Chivas Regal, you try and try again)

I had a lecture from a girlfriend many nights ago about the wrinkle lines I create for myself. I think too much some say, one person even coined up the term analysis paralysis to describe the syndrome of most. And mind you there is scientific term coined for this syndrome - binge thinking. How people overdo it due the many possibilties that offer themselves in this book we call life.

Yes, I have closed one chapter and am moving on to the next.

Anxiety first, excitement follows next.

I think those who are close to me are tired of hearing it and tired of consolation and conversation. I apologise. Profusely. I could do this alot better as I learn and unlearn. But without the support, I would be suffering from post binge thinking. No?

I confuse as much as I ramble.

But I DO want to thank you (you know who you are) who have played a significant part in my life, from the late night chats to the online conversations. I can't say enough that these bonds are very meaningful in my life.



Disclaimer: Picture is for illustration purposes only. For the record, the bottle was left unopened and disappeared from the hands of this blogger. Honest.