Ringing in my head..

I was feeling depressed last week. Not often I admit it here, usually disguised in some other forms of words.
I know the usual reasons but last week, there was a new element. Death.

I don't deal with it well. Who would. I don't know. I just felt my legs heavier than usual. Plodding along the hours of the day. Felt detached and out of focus. Maybe I was tired too. I don't know. Who knows. But not morbid. Just heavy.

I do want to apologise here to those close to me that had to see this side (again?). I don't mean to snap or to lash or to unload endlessly. I am truly and sincerely sorry if I hurt. I wish I have better outlets. Here. Maybe. I don't want to be complicated. I don't know.

I often associate moods with music or music with moods. I found her again after a decade of not listening to her music.

"Wake Up"

You like snow but only if it's warm
You like rain but only if it's dry
No sentimental value to the rose that fell on your floor
No fundamental excuse for the granted I'm taken for

'Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you

You like pain but only if it doesn't hurt too much
And you sit...and you wait...to receive
There's an abvious attraction
To the path of least resistance in your life
There's an obvious aversion no amount of my insistance
Could make you try tonight

'Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you to you to you to you to you...
There's no love no money no thrill anymore

There's an apprehensive naked little trembling boy
With his head in his hands
There's an underestimated and impatient little girl
Raising her hand

But it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you, to you

get up get up get up off of it
get up get up get up off of it
get out get outta here enough already
get up get up get up off of it
wake up

*Thank you, Alanis Morrissette, Jagged Little Pill

Tears

She gave me a tight hug that evening when I dropped in. I heard her crying when she called me two days before and my heart went out to her. I am a big softie and also a big coward.
Her son survived a bad accident and is recuperating. I pray for his recovery.

I pray too that my grandmother is comfortable. Her 94-year-old frail body should not be pricked with tubes, wound with bandage and tightened with discomfort.

I am not the best granddaughter in the world and I do not know if I would be able handle it when it comes, as I remininsce the times she scolded me for disobeying her or when she effortlessly sorted out my dinner menu during my terrible tantrums.

Is it not human nature to reflect during times like this, I believe so. The long conversations about ex boyfriends and the skeletons in the closet that she revealed to me at the kitchen table.

I cried when I left the hospital one evening thinking about these memories. I suppose again, is it not human to feel?

She was there when I was fooled into believing a stranger, she was there when I was missed the bus home from kindergarten. She walked me home from school and stayed up with me to watch The Love Boat.

I tear. I cry. I want to be there too.

Idle minds ... Idle hands..

I'm not a big fan of waiting, no one is .. One night at a celebration of sorts, the gang grouped up to participate in it. Two hours before the event starts, we had plenty time to goof around.
Scroll for the colours of the night... bwahaha.

It starts with small talk, daydreams and wishes that the food will be served soon..








'


Then some say waiting can make you go mad....








So when two angelic faces pose for candid shots..









The two devils will be up to no good..








* Photos courtesy of candid pixman Yeow Pooi Ling

We interrupt this programme..

*Source: www.wellingtongrey.net

Who you gonna call...

Ghostbusters!

I certainly was tickled pink with that line. For those who remember this series, and theme song, you'd better be chuckling in happy memory or groaning in embarassment (!). I love the movie, cartoon series, song and more importantly, people who remember it with me.

One can always let their hair down, at least once in a while, keep the sanity in them, and what better than to "sing" down memory lane. Some snaps from this moment shared with equally crazy 80s kids... scroll...

But when you think about it, at least for those who remember, if lyrics for catchy songs in the 80s (I grew up with Solid Gold and Top of the Pops, ok) were derived from life moments, pains and giggles rolled into a rhythmic dance or a melancholic croon, then life then (or earlier) is really that simple?

Words and meanings for song sentences didn't sound too complicated, lyrics were sad but not broody, they were fun and straightforward. I am really not thaaaat old, but find that the top hits today are filled with angst, anger, revenge, pain, hurt, bubblegum talk, maybe I read too much or too little into it?

The gyrating hips, the skin, the "I do not care I do as I please" attitude, certainly did not exist during the NKOTB (ahem) days or days when Madonna adorned three layers of clothing in her rendition of "Like a Virgin".

Perhaps there is Darwinian-type theory that can explain this, evolution of songs, evolution of social behaviour, trends, culture and the like.

As much as my peers may disagree, whichever way the trend goes, I still hold dear to.... the running man move, shoulder moves, and jumps that goes with..
The Right Stuff!

(Admit it.... you had the stickers too...:))

*Pictures courtesy of avid photographer, singer and 80's music fan

Day Four

Woke up with a cough today.. *cough* *cough*.

Focus...

noun
1. the concentration of attention or energy on something; "the focus of activity shifted to molecular biology"; "he had no direction in his life"
2. maximum clarity or distinctness of an image rendered by an optical system; "in focus"; "out of focus"
3. maximum clarity or distinctness of an idea; "the controversy brought clearly into focus an important difference of opinion"
4. a central point or locus of an infection in an organism; "the focus of infection"
5. special emphasis attached to something; "the stress was more on accuracy than on speed" [syn: stress]
6. a point of convergence of light (or other radiation) or a point from which it diverges
7. a fixed reference point on the concave side of a conic section

verb
1. direct one's attention on something; "Please focus on your studies and not on your hobbies" [syn: concentrate]
2. cause to converge on or toward a central point; "Focus the light on this image" [ant: blur]
3. bring into focus or alignment; to converge or cause to converge; of ideas or emotions [syn: concenter]
4. become focussed or come into focus; "The light focused" [ant: blur]
5. put (an image) into focus; "Please focus the image; we cannot enjoy the movie" [ant: blear]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

My current addiction.

For now. 14 hours and counting.

The Empress

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot card are you?

Take the test to find out

Bad beer..

An oxymoron? I think not. It's making me feel sick and I can't sleep.

Help.

Surreal....

Luxurious rooms.... One luxurious room....

Jewellery, clothes, plush bed...

Piano recital.....

Sneakily looking in one luxurious room... Not stealing, just peeking....

Admiring, relishing.....

Photographer.... Luxurious washrooms.....

Kink in manhole...... Toxicity...... Lime and soap....

Two long kisses.....

A piano recital.... full house... White grand piano........


... And I wake up....

Don't you get that feeling?

I cracked up. *LOL*
















*Source: Australian Press Council

Pre-thesis mode...

*Source: Colonialmanormotel.com

Intimidation

noun
1. the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something [syn: bullying]
2. the feeling of discouragement in the face of someone's superior fame or wealth or status etc.
3. the feeling of being intimidated; being made to feel afraid or timid
4. a communication that makes you afraid to try something [syn: determent]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

Current favourite song ..*evil grin*

Before He Cheats, by Carrie Underwood

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,
and she's probably getting frisky...
right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...
And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Right now, she's probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke..
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk" and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo...
And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...

Oh, you know it won't be on me!

Ohh... not on me...
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Ohh.. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...
Ohh... before he cheats...

A late night message

I had a late night tinkle on g-talk the other day, from a journalist friend, soon to be former journo, based in Bangalore.
This journalist came online to share a message with friends from all over the world.
Moved by the gesture, I'd like to dedicate the message too, to all those who matter to me.


"One fine day, all of us will get busy with our lives, long working hours, no more meetings, discussions about girls/boys,friends, and no SMS."

"Won't have time for ourselves. On such a day, you will look outside your window and see the good old memories flash by you and you'll smile with a tear in your eyes."

"You will turn back to your work thinking I wish I could go back. To all my friends who helped me in creating such memories...Love You."

Snaps of the moment

This post is drawn from inspiration from Paula Guevara, a Filipino friend I met through Ling.

Reading her posts on random mobile phone images, it amuses and interests the curious to the mind behind the neat gadget.

I thought I'd share my homemade photo album. Enjoys.

*One of the many black and white postcards I collect on my random visits around the world. Picked this up in tiny bookstore, in Soho, London

*At chef & brew, heated debates on wine, men and audition videos.. not necessarily in that order

*On a chilly night in a sidewalk cafe in Bandung


*It's cute, it's hairy. And it doubles up as a CD case. Hedgehog courtesy of Acid.

*And, er,the gallery. For those who know, it is undergoing a revamp. Watch this space!:)

Of coconut trees and flying kites..

Word often go around, a break from routine welcomes freshness to the mind.

Did just that, over weekend in Kota Bharu. Most reactions I had received were looks of puzzlement, surprise and cynicals.. but why?

It is a beautiful town, like all towns in Malaysia, a tad optimistic, na? I think not. I suppose when the mind is a empty slate, colours of the varied kind can be painted upon.

As an urbanite, living with 24 hour stimulation of the technological and monetary kind, I find the slower pace of life a welcome change. I can't say I can live such, but I appreciate it a lot more.

Kota Bharu, not bustling like Kuala Lumpur or Ho Chi Minh, but busy just the same. Different trades, enterprises and colours paint this town. As a state governed by an Islamic based political party, I find that perceptions of outsiders are often influenced(wrongly?) by the different media driven by self-serving agendas.

I found it refreshing, warm and as a senior political writer terms it, outback-ish, although I had begged to differ.



From my little time spent in Kota Bharu, extremist sentiments I did not experience, awkwardness of being a different race and colour I did not feel.. It was refreshing.





*Photos courtesy of fellow traveller and photogapher, Yeow Pooi Ling

Don't go far off..

A serendipitious find, from a year ago from a close confidante

Don't go far off, by Pablo Neruda

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because
I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else,
asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest, because
in that moment you'll have gone so far I'll wander mazily over all the
earth, asking,
Will you come back?
Will you leave me here, dying?

Pricks..

I didn't realise it hurt. I guess often the foolish ways of mine I forget prick others.

I'd like to call it an occupational hazard (LOL) having to listen to people's concerns, issues and arguments on how things should be fixed, work it into material that should provoke change and make a difference.

I forget sometimes emotions are involved and that others are human too, like myself.

I hurt her and I'm sorry. I saw that it stayed with her for so many years and I've not realised that it still impacted her. Wearing the hat of the question-eer, I asked, one, two many times. She did not like it. She did not want to accept that it had happened and I do not blame her. It was an awful decision, she was only 7 when it happened. I do not see any fault of hers to react this way to the decision.

Closure, some say? I doubt. I do not see it.

I guess it hits home when you have encounters like this, often we act impulsely, savouring the spontaneity of life, living the moment as they say, but often it hurts.

As righteous as I believe I am, I am not.

I often live as I wished, making impulsive, spontaneous decisions, so much so to have the adrenaline rushes, embracing the joys that life offers.. often which, hurts.

A year ago today, she revealed herself to me, I was sick for days, in contemplation, in awful contemplation of what was revealed.

Wake up little Susie. It's time to wake up.