Ten.

A yoga instructor, teaching meditation, once told me to clear my head, relax and focus on my breathing. After imagining my lungs expanding and contracting for about five seconds, which can feel like eternity, I found myself dozing off.
He assured me and the nine others in this 7am class that meditation will help alleviate stress, keep minds focussed, and emotions balanced. Perhaps I am getting it wrong, because meditation is certainly helping me fall asleep, once a problem for me.

I digress.

I find my head cluttered with 1001 trivialities and issues of the (my tiny) world, hence why the meditation class was much desired.
At times wishing life came with a manual, I would then turn to page 61 to find that it was time go back to school, quit my job, get a pet iguana, or something of that effect.

I reckon, listing down the things I want to do or haven't done yet fun or otherwise, will help in me in authoring my own life manual. Serious or not, it didn't really matter. As long as I articulate it in my head, it should see progress. Someday.... soon...

1. Learn how to climb. A rock. Wall or mountain. Commando style over high security walls would be exciting but will pose issues.
2. Learn how to shoot. I had a conversation over breakfast today with a gf, she wanted to learn how to fly a plane, I wanted to shoot a gun, of course, in a controlled environment. She didn't look convinced.
3. Take up martial arts. Another friend introduced me to a slow paced kung fu, tai chi type class. I didn't seem so keen. I was interested in a lot of kicking action, blood drawing jabs and uppercuts. The gf in question had similar puzzling looks as in the one in no.2.
4. Learn to swim. No explanation needed. I figured as an adult I should get over the my "drowning " incident when I was six. It didn't matter if it happened in a kiddy pool.
5. Tantric yoga - Madonna's physique at her age is self explanatory
6. Set up an outfit to help abandoned children, orphans and homeless kittens.
7. Learn Mandarin - My primary school teacher once told me that I needed to learn Mandarin to work in a bank. The ironies, nevertheless, it's not too late to start on my mother tongue.
8. Teach English in Cambodia. I'm never known to be a patient person. But I reckon in this environment, it will teach me that much treasured virtue.
9. Help build a school in Cambodia
10. Own a singel ringen

Ten. Not a very long list. Not a terribly easy list too. Certainly, though, a list worth keeping.

I learn.

I realised .... I got it all wrong.

A close friend was right over afternoon coffee..... It took him so many years of failed friendships, relationships and ships of sorts to learn lessons of life.
I realised all these years, these numerous exchanges and experiences with people, with colours that life offers us I've been using on the wrong approaches in these ships of sorts.

I fail to understand that expectations can't be imposed, and that I had been treading on the wrong path all these years. Yes, as much as I mock my pal about not discovering this earlier, I am guilty of it. I state the boundaries in my head, I state the conditions in my life, I make the mistake of doing the same for others. Control as some would like to label it, I'd like to cry the plea of ignorance.

I forget that as much I enjoy fluidity, openness, I impose expectations, conditions and placements on people I care for without realising how much I hurt them. It’s the same journey each time I take when I behave this way, selfishly, not realising that constricting, expecting, cause pain and push people away. Friends, lovers and closed confidantes.

People change, people have their spaces and lives, and I do not give them the benefit of doubt, selfishly I ask, I plea, for values, time, space and conveniences that often or not, undeserving of me. Friendships, relationships and ships of sorts are not possessions, not within my control, not mine and mine alone.

I have to open my mind, values, moods, thoughts, feelings. I’d like to believe I’m generous, but clearly has shown that I’m not. Here…….I apologise to those whom I’ve hurt or had scarred. I want so much it slips through my fingers, I squeeze so tight it suffocates, I love so hard it breaks.

I hope to move on, to learning lessons of importance, in preserving friendships, relationships, ships of sorts, I won’t be not guilty of expecting again.

I let go and let live.

Who, why.. when..

Who really knows
Who really knows what lies in you..
Who ever questions…
Who asks

They try
They try, to come close
They want to, to come close
But do they come close enough?

The life of solitude
The life of one
The life of independence
The life of freedom

I built the wall
I built the comfort
I built the strength
I built it. On my own.

Who, who wants to come in?
Why, why want to venture
When, when will they reach
The point, to understand

Who knows.

Dark days. I am told. To have resilience. To have strength. To snap out of it.

How do people know what to do when days are dark, I often wonder. Will these advices work. I often ask.
I don't feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for not trying hard enough. For not being able to battle harder.
For not letting the tears stop their salty pearls from sliding down the cheeks.

I anger over old issues. That injustices are served. Integrity not kept. Promises broken.
I should be used to it by now, no excuses that I am an emotional human being. I don't anger over others. I anger in myself.

I recall the vows I made. I recall the happy smiles when they sing Christmas songs, I see in them, only to really know the pains they sleep with. The blood that bleeds.
I recall seeing the cardboard boxes, folded carefully as if they were blankets, as if they were beds. I recall watching her walk the alley, as if it was her private room.
I watch the one-arm girl smile and play by the coffeehouse, in her pretty white dress.
I do not envy. I do not only want to sympathise. I compel. I will not advertise. I don't talk about actions.

What I can do now is to strengthen resilience, resolve. Maintain my beliefs, be nothing but honest. Be nothing but true to myself, despite the prickly thorns that are little irritants in life. Taken in stride, taken with strength. Resolve.

They were right. It does work.

Two syllable words

Alone. Two syllables, not difficult to pronounce, neither tough to spell.
Happy. Same number of syllables, easy speech.
Who would ever realise these two words are difficult to admit with honesty.
Rare are those who can mouth these words with conviction.
With honesty.
Without playing up to facades of their owns or of plays written by others.
Even more rare I find those who can coin these two words together in simplicity to mean..
Alone Happy. Happy Alone.

Crazy...

Not sayin'
not charmed at all
Not sayin'
that you weren't worth
the fall

And I was alone when
I knew it was real
Down the canyon
when I knew I had come

To the line
Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn

When you said
You could drive
all night
Drive all night

So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in

Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just
unzip your religion down"

Found that I
I craved at all
Saw me melt
into your
native shelter

Where you carved my
name
Paper tigers scare
and came
Alive

Through the dawn
To the light
To the turn
When you said

You could drive all night
all night
Drive all night

So I let Crazy
take a spin
Then I let Crazy
settle in

Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just
unzip your religion down"

So I let Crazy
pull me in
Then I let Crazy
take his spin

Kicked off my shoes
Shut reason out
He said "first let's just unzip
your religion down"

Heard that you were once
"Temptation's girl"
And as soon
as you have
rearranged the mess
in your head

He will show up looking
sane
perfectly sane
If I know Crazy


*Tori Amos, Scarlet's Walk

When I grow up..

Some things in life we take for granted, the fact that our laundry is done without our knowledge, ready made food on the table when we get home, our socks folded neatly in our drawers.


I am not short of this guilt, amidst the madness that runs in my head or the exaggerated dramas placed in my mind, I forget those close to me who are important and go unnoticed.


I return from a sharing session with a character older and wiser than I, who has seen life's trials and errors through jaded eyes and whoses eyes crinkle when they relay a decade old joke.


I believe we find ourselves in this situation some time and time again and do not recognise the need for openness, understanding and acceptance. I am blessed for forces beyond me gives me the chance to be accepted, understood and to be open.


I have had these encounters rarely and am again amazed at the levels of which this relationship has developed into. Twenty years ago, we would not have been able to talk about politics, love, pains and share lame jokes. Twenty yrs ago, he would have been advising me on which school textbooks to buy, how not to chew with my mouth open and to say hello aunty to strangers.


When I grow up.. I want to be like him.

I would want to be able to share as much as I can with my next of kin, the levels of conversation, thought and hopefully more intelligent jokes. When I grow up I want to be like my good old man.


A post dedicated to those fathers who have been able to share a bottle and half of Carlsberg with their 20-something (ahem) daughters... A post dedicated to my old man... who drank more than I did! And mothers too. :)

W.iL.D

Give me the chance
To let it all go
To scream in ecstasy
To live and let live....


Give me the moment
To dance it all up
To grind it down
To make it sexy
To get it off....


Give me the space
To shout it all out
To go mad
To let loose
To live crazy.....


Give me the chance.......

...........simple pleasures............

..........a back rub when you are having your menses...........
.........Getting out of two inch high heels after a long day at work....
........that scent of hot tarmac after a brief rain.........
........having double chocolate chip ice cream after chamomile tea....
.......getting to the loo in the nick of time.......
........80's music.......
..... being driven home while you listen to Tori Amos' A Sorta Fairytale on your new Ipod...
.......waking up to a sweet sms from a special someone..........
.......having a 4 o'clock Milo with that special someone......
........having a good cry........
.........rolling around in laughter.............
........singing a Whole New World.... in the right key.....
........hugging and saying I love you......
.........having a silent argument...........
.........unexpectedly falling in love.......
.........you and me..........

Sharing an Ipod, stealing music and Nantuket Nectars.......

type la nothing sexy comes to my mind yet
does it have to be anything sexy? Romantic?
yea life is boring without romance or sex..y
sharing an Ipod, stealing songs from your hard drive and sipping leftovers from your Nantucket Nectars......romantic? yes? no?
can't disagree with you on that. Amidst the crowds, gushes from the noisy water fountain and less than pleasant music from the next door bar, yes, it is rather romantic.
huh? sitting next to each other and sharing stuffs.......makes us oblivious to all and sundry??
Well. Despite coughing over month(s) old Dunhill lights and banned from smoking your Indonesian smokes, I must say spending moments with you evokes discoveries of a new kind and experiences unfelt before.
If this place doesn't close, reckon we could be here forever....?
You reckon?
Hazelnut hot chocolate, chamomile tea, scones, doughnuts and you.......yea....I reckon so.....
I appreciate being last on this list, but as tolerance is the key theme for me this year, yea. I could tolerate being the final item on our late night coffee meet.
But really, it doesn't really matter if it was here at the overpriced coffeehouse or the stalls by the durian tree, all that makes meaningful is to be able to share it with you.
Auwww......so sweet......shall we go home and make maggi mee and spoon while watching meaningles TV?
Ooh ohh... that means yes in Tagalog.
.....but you're boiling water......
Sure. I'll even climb Mt Kilimanjaroo for you.
.......but you're still boiling water.....
I love you cos your sense of humour can be as horrible as mine.:P
Me too.....split at birth I reckon......You getting condoms?
Condoms I never buy. But I'll make the exception for you.
Good! You getting condoms and boiling water......Yea!!

Dim Sum

I'm a firm believer in reasons behind encounters, moments and friendships.

Coercion, forces beyond will, lessons learnt with hope of no repetitions.

In the little years of my existence, I realise repercussions of speaking up, keeping silents, loving willingly, holding quiet grudges, bottling out, venting loud....

But despite the colours that paint out lives, the tears that drown our moments, I learnt of unconditional love that touches our hearts.

I thank the blessings for having these paths crossed, for making beautiful moments shared.

Moments of hours or moments of seconds, I believe, at least through my eyes, we do not stop to reflect enough and appreciate these moments.

I reflect, and hope to keep these thoughts fresh no matter decades or seconds old, that it matters, to stop and embrace and appreciate.

I found these moments in "dim sum".

Letting go...

I learnt lessons of letting go from a dear friend the other. The following phrases ring constantly in my head.
"People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.

And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!"
Letting go, keeps hearts lights, smiles wide and souls happy.
Letting go of past pains, of memories not infinite. But I also learnt clocked moments are not crucial. An hour, a year, a passing second or eternity, beautiful so long you let go, smile wide laugh contagiously humors light.
Paths cross for a reason, stories shared for the telling, beautiful moments felt, cherished. Let go, spontaneity, light, happy.

In Your Eyes - In the mood

Tripped along many stones
Enough to say
I found my own way
I don't know where to go
Couldn't see where it leads

Making castles in the sand
Afraid no one else would hold my hand
I'm stained from the world
Sad, sad, sad little girl

But I see in your eyes
Your wear no disguise
Help me find my way
I'm like a bird in the sky
You helped me to fly
Fly away
Fly away
Back home... back home

Holding on to memories
Often scared
Of what I'd see
And then you came
And then you came
And rescued me
And I'm okay
I'm okay

But I see in your eyes
You wear no disguise
Help me find my way
I'm like a bird in the sky
You helped me to fly
Fly away
Fly away

Oh and I know you'll never leave me alone
I'll follow you just anywhere that you go
In my life I can see you
I know I believe you will stay, oh
In your eyes
You wear no disguise
Oh oh oh
Like a bird in the sky
You helped me to fly
Oh yeah oh oh oh

In your eyes oh oh
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Yeah hey yeah oh
I said you're like a bird in the sky
You helped me to fly
Fly away
Fly away
Back home
Back home

In your eyes
In your eyes

*By Anastacia, from Pieces of Dreams

*Three am mornings are spent listening to this over and over again... Beautifully crafted to capture this moment

d.O.o.r.s

Just when life's doors
Closes on you
Another one
Opens up to you.

Baby steps
As you take
Beyond what you understand
Beyond what your heart can take

It grabs you
It gasps you
You wonder
If you want to catch your breath

Nothing prepares
No one knows
The colours
Behind the doors

You smell
Inhale the whiffs
Of fresh air
Closing eyes

Baby steps not so
You exhale, smile
Open them wide
Embrace with heartfelt warmth

I'd Pick More Daisies

If I had my life to live over again,
I'd try to make more mistakes next time.
I would relax, I would limber up,
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.

I know of very few things I would take seriously.
I would take more trips.
I would be crazier.
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.

I would do more walking and looking,
I would eat more ice cream and less beans,
I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones,

You see, I'm one of those people who lives life prophylactically and sensibly hour after hour, day after day.

Oh, I've had my moments; and if I had to do it over again I'd have more of them.

In fact, I'd try to have nothing else, just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead each day.

I've been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot-water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat, aspirin and a parachute.

If I had it to do over again, I would go places, do things, and travel lighter than I have.
If I had my life to live over I would start barefooted earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.

I would play hooky more.
I would ride on more merry-go-rounds.
I'd pick more daisies....

*Anonymous

*Reproduced from a sharing of a close confidante, who reminded of what is truly important in life.

I

I don’t.
I don’t want to.
I don’t want to call.
I don’t want to intrude much.

I respect.
I respect time.
I respect spaces.
I respect… respect.

I withdraw.
I withdraw much.
I withdraw myself.
I withdraw from giving.

I seek.
I seek peace.
I seek solace.
I seek undying love.

I stop.
I stop whines.
I stop complaints.
I stop to look, think and act.

I focus.
I focus strong.
I focus on ambition.
I focus visions, goals and dreams.

I find.
I find love.
I find strengths.
I find unconditional understanding.

S.A.N.C.T.U.A.R.Y

It's raining outside. Pelts of water hitting the roof.

Perfect excuse to stay in. Sit in. Hide.

It is easy for some. To find this place. A place that will content them. And find heart's peace.

To some, it is not so. I rediscovered it's difficulties again.

I know tonight why I hide from the masses, seeking differences, seeking uniqueness. It shouldn't surprise me.

Behind the interactions of masses, behind the meetings of volumes.

One would think uniqueness exist. One would think the differences would stand out. It doesn't.

It doesn't. I don't have the answers. I've been searching. I stopped.

I started to believe that uniqueness will present itself in its form.

I find then a sanctuary of my own. Amidst my kinks, my niches, my corner, my peeves.

But.. uniquess taking its form, it did. It unfolded in ways unexpected.

I am discovering a sanctuary unknown, a sanctuary I met. I pray. I can stay.

Wounds uncovered, wounds healed

It was a nudge, it was a wake up call. I admit, it was something I was not prepared for.

I kept it under wraps for five years, six maybe.. I woke up to realise that I speak about acceptance, about differences, I had not accepted it.

The same close confidante pointed out an invisible wall around me. A wall I hardly realise, a wall I never imagined I could have built. How was it visible..

We never realise ourselves how we portray our happiness, our pain, our contentment. I did it by hiding, letting drown deep, deep into my past.

I'd never thought I'd speak about it again, but I'm very glad that I was shown this wall, shown this chance that I have to accept the pains, and the relief one feels after difficult moment.

It was exactly that wall. I build around me to protect from being hit again. To protect from being abused again. To stop from lashes of pain at me again. To stop the profanities, to stop the disrespect. To stop the throws, to stop the control.

I feel a burden leaving, I feel the acceptance. I thank you to you, for showing me that life's experiences does not make you any weaker.. It teaches you to accept that mistakes happen, pain hits you, and you DO find happiness, contentment.

How does one do that, I found it in accepting.

Acceptance

I love reflections. I love reflections amidst the blasting of my favourite songs. I find it gives me the peace, contentment, the 'one-ness' I have with myself.

I spoke long and hard with a close confidante one night. Of dreams, of aspirations, of the people we meet. How difficult it is to gain acceptance, how difficult it is to not be judged. How difficult it is to just live by your standards and not others. Time and time again, we are asked of the choices we make, the options we choose and the thoughts we have. No harm's done, but no value enhanced.

T-shirts and jeans as opposed to pretty dresses. Being alone as opposed to be in groups. Being simple as opposed to having a roomful of things. We live our lives differently and we respect each other it, we have our individualistic traits and idiosyncracies. But, do we accept each other's differences?

We are ultimately simple people. We all want to be happy with our choices, live by them, abide by them and accept them, even if it means to offend, we apologise. But it does not make us different from the person at the opposite end of the table, it does not make us evil or tainted. It makes us different. It enriches us. Can we take a step back to understand this?

Let's celebrate other's differences, let's celebrate each other's colourful lives. Let's live.

A story of a girl

Let me tell u a story of girl
Who wants to be nothing but herself
Who wants nothing but to be treated right
Who wants nothing but respect

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who loves unconditionally
Who gives away willingly
Who wants to be loved the same way

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who loved so hard, she was hit
Who cared so much, she felt burnt
Who accepted all, healing wounds of her own.

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who loved someone not of her own
Who waited for him to free himself
Who sat alone, drying tears with her hands

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who waited by the sidelines
Who stood by her partner, dreams a flailing, and far away beckoning
Who swallowed every line, inch and ego

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who woke up tonight
Who snapped into reality again
Who realised there is unconditional love around her.

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who stands for no more lies
Who stands for no more empty promises
Who holds her own.

Let me tell you a story of a girl
Who finally grew up.