Ambiguity is life, explore it...

Goodbye for now..

2010-01-06T12:00:00.003+08:00

After several years of tinkering with blogs.. I'm moving on..

No - not quitting, but I want to make better use of this platform.

Check me out here - Susan-awakening

Hurt

2009-09-15T18:49:00.000+08:00

You don't get it. No one will ever be able to get it.

How to make connection in this surreal space. After letting this space exist .. it does not make sense. The disconnect.

I was broken a long time ago.

I'm still at the shop.

He took it away. He kicked it out of me.

He called me disrespectful. He called me rude.

He says I didn't listen to his words.

And he killed me.

His apologies are meant to heal - but it doesn't.

Ten years now.

I say.

Ten years.

Life is just awesome..

2009-08-03T22:00:00.003+08:00

Raw, unhinged.. and completely free..

Laughing uncontrollaby, tears in my eyes..

Orange flip-flops and a couple of broken twigs..

That is what I call bliss..

No right..

2009-06-07T20:26:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it DOES hit close to home.

When you often brush off the harsh realities, thinking it could never encroach in your space, it does.

Just like many others, we are angry. And we do want to get things right.

Read on, from The Star Online. This happened to a friend's father, and should not have happened in the first place.

Friday June 5, 2009

Road bully in his 30s assaults 72-year-old man

PETALING JAYA: A drive home from the bank turned violent for a 72-year-old retiree who fell victim to a road bully in Damansara Damai.

M. Edwards, the father of one of The Star’s journalists, suffered injuries to his head and body after he was punched several times in the 10am incident yesterday.He received outpatient treatment at the Sungai Buloh Hospital.

Edwards (pic) said he had just finished paying some bills at a bank and was driving home with his daughter when a van cut into his lane.

“I sounded my horn at the driver because he had swerved in suddenly without using the indicator,” he added.

“The man then started driving slowly and kept swerving to prevent me from overtaking.”

This continued for a while and then the van suddenly stopped and the driver got down.

Edwards said he then stopped his car and got out to see what was the problem, adding that another man seated in the van did not get out.

The driver, who looked to be in his 30s, walked straight to Edwards and, without saying a word, started punching him.

“I tried to fight back, but he was huge. He punched me in the face, head and body several times before getting back into the van and fleeing,” Edwards said.

He added that as the bully drove off he challenged him (Edwards) to report the attack to the police.

Edwards lodged a police report at a nearby police station.

Petaling Jaya OCPD Asst Comm Arjunaidi Mohamed confirmed the incident and said police were investigating.

I echo Rocky’s Bru call.

Find the bully..

Life's loss

2009-06-03T20:53:00.002+08:00

I sit here and listen to the background noise of news bulletins featuring the prominent visit by U.S president Barack Obama in the Middle East. The importance given to this news piece is obvious. He IS the man of the moment - drawing the typical response of media organisations.

Stop for a minute - another piece of heavy news is being featured - the mysterious disappearance of Air France AF 447 enroute to Paris from Rio de Janeiro. And while important - slightly less time spent giving thoughts and prayers to the lives lost in the tragedy and to those loved ones in grief.

Truly, which piece of news is more important?

I come to a point closer to home. During a midnight trip to the doctor's during a semi-emergency, bless the souls that came to my aid, we encountered this.

A group of youngsters came by to the clinic close to 1am - seeking help for their unconscious friend. The clinic turned them away.

Shocking?

The conversation that followed raised more than just eyebrows.

"What happened to the guy who was unconscious?" asked several concerned and conscious patients.

Nurse relayed then the group could not carry the unconscious person out of the car and therefore could not bring the person into the clinic.

Nurse continued to relay that the clinic did not have resuscitation machines to help the unconscious person.

(gasp)

Questions asked - why don't the clinic nurses and doctor go outside the building to give the potential patient the much needed aid.

This was the response - the doctor was not allowed to go out of the clinic - for fear he may be "kidnapped" (verbatim).

(gasps .... shudder)

At this point - the group of youngsters had already left - presumably to a hospital whom I prayed and hoped have medical staff with hearts and conscience to save a life.

Nurse continued to relay that should the unconscious pass away in the clinic - there are costs involved and the clinic would not be able to afford these "costs".

At this point - audience was left speechless.

Costs versus saving a life.

I prayed for the victims of AF 447 and for that man who was refused basic care.

I hope you did too.

Yoga retreat of sorts..

2009-05-11T19:10:00.007+08:00

One can always dream to be agent of change. This self-potrait taken during birdwatching at Gunung Raya.

It was an amazing experience to see hornbills, nesting... and I was told that's nothing ... there are more breathtaking sights.. 21 hornbills roosting on a tree...

Woah..

Then it was yoga .. by the beach.. with sights like this..

Double woah...

Thank you to friends from Langkawi Yoga and friends from my nature tours..

It was more than a retreat to recharge.. it was an opportunity to share, laugh and bond ...and to learn the many things that life has to offer..

Energy that binds us..

2009-04-28T21:44:00.006+08:00

She waits for her master, while she sips a drink of water.. She hovered around us during a yoga session in Langkawi not too long ago.

After speaking to a few yoga practitioners on the island, they tell me it was normal for cats to gather around practising yoga students. "They are attracted to the energy," says one. "No, it's the soft spongy mat that cats love to scratch on.." argues another.

Ginger (pictured above), slept through the entire meditation and quiet time, in a position that left us wondering if she was still breathing. So.. I believe it IS the energy that brings them close. And particularly when we sit in the quiet.. listening to nothing but our breath.. and clearing the head, you feel the furry tail brush up against you.. as you breathe.. and relax..

Whether it is the waves of our quiet breathing... or the comfort of our mats.. They are a gem to have around...

Contemplation..

2009-04-14T22:48:00.002+08:00

The soft lights hit my hands

As I sit and contemplate..

Staring to everything but nothing

I wonder why the mind stays alert..

The mind plays tug of war..

Sings the broken record of my heart..

Fixing..balancing from afar..

Struggling to untie the knots that mar..

Though, of late.. clarity speaks..

Love unfolds in mysterious ways..

Leave behind its binds and pleats..

Lets me embrace its whole fray..

This is what I miss...

2009-04-03T22:45:00.004+08:00

All this in our backyard - why should we ever take it for granted...

Absolutely beautiful.. just outside Toscani's in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah..

*Photo credit: Veena Rusli

Meet Joe Black

2009-03-30T23:43:00.002+08:00

Love is a passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?

I say fall head over heels. Find someone you love like crazy and who'll love you back in the same way back.

And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart.

Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is, there is no sense living your life without is.

To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all.

You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived...

Stay open. Who knows?

Lightning could strike.

On days away from death and destruction...

2009-03-13T20:43:00.006+08:00

I read... ... still deal with my fear of heights.. attempt to build upper body strength..

And most important of all.. reflect..

*Photo credits: YPL, TM

Wake up little Susie..

2009-02-14T21:35:00.003+08:00

The other day I had a wake up call. Well not literally a wake up call, because it happened at one in the morning. But nevertheless..

It was a bittersweet one that can either laugh or.. reflect and take in the lessons that was shared.

I'm an egoistic one. For sure. I hardly get told off because I argue my way out of situations. And I refuse to listen, especially when it is the cold hard truth that is good for me.

But listen I did that night. And it rang it my head as clear as a church bell tolling on a Sunday morning. Literally.

And I did not argue my way out of it. I realise the whining and complaining I have been doing for far too long now sounds pathetic even my ears.

I have no right to feel sorry for myself. And neither do I have the right to demand.

And I can stop hoping now. And see what is real for me.

And on that note - I give you......darn, I can't upload the song.. email me and I'll send it you..

I love you man - thank you, I have not stopped laughing since..

Strip away the noise..

2009-02-05T20:41:00.002+08:00

Nothing more than a local issue, someone said to me yesterday. No need to care so much, it doesn't affect us, said another.
The issue, I am referring to is the political confusion taking place in Perak, a state located along the coast of Peninsular Malaysia. I live some two hours south of this state and yet I feel the frustration. And while I do not represent the majority, I can safely say there are many other Malaysians who share my sentiments.
The "assemblymen" elected last year - assumed roles and change allegiances ever too quickly.
Details I shall spare the reader.
As a fellow citizen who believed in change (well, not always for the better), there was at least a tiny chance of justice playing up in the country - Perak offering the platform.

Sadly, no.

The principles of gentleman politics not practiced and the strength in staying true to one's stands - obviously not demonstrated - at the expense of our intelligence. Some say it is part and parcel of a democracy process which is maturing. I don't believe in abandoning principles for a richer coalition mature.

The fact that these powers that be, believe us to be docile, silent followers has to be proven wrong. Being ridiculed by politically correct manifestos and unfulfilled promises - when does it all end. March 8's tsunami-style polls results obviously did not possess the power that the dollar, sorry, the ringgit has.
What will?

Thai-style demonstrations - to compound to the depressed economic situation?
Or none - we sit in our comfortable shells and tune into cable (or free TV) for distractions.

You tell me.

One evening..

2009-01-24T21:33:00.007+08:00

When spirits were down and thoughts were muddy.. the motley crew gathered for food, feast and fun.
(blurry effects intended..)

Digging into their feast, exchanging of thoughts,
feelings, emotions and plain gibberish..
(note that others decide to dig into, only, their
slice of pizza)

As the evening turned into night, monkeying around is requirement. (note the key player in Quattro's Winter Bar)

All in all, the smiling faces have it..

*Photo credit: Tim Mendoza
*Gibberish and laughter - Claudia, Tricia and Allan

Chilly but warm Seoul

2008-12-01T00:12:00.008+08:00

It started out serious - ok I didn't look so serious..
but promise.. it was

Then the journey started...

filled with warm coffee, warm coats .. and very warm friends..

A big thank you to our hosts - at the Korea Press Foundation - and the friends I have made.... It has been one of the more enriching experiences I have had as a working (and cranky) journalist.

Kamsa hamida!

*a big thank you to fantastic photojournalist Jimmy Domingo for all these wonderful photos ..

Of hot chocolate, whiskeys and windy beaches

2008-11-23T13:07:00.005+08:00

Posing first before the long road trip

The long winding road.....

It was worth it - the view was spectacular - if only I could get the hair out of my face...

No - seriously, busking is legal in this country...

I collapsed

2008-11-23T13:02:00.003+08:00

the other day at farewell drinks in a bar here. (no I was not binge drinking)

Strange.

The odd blackout spells felt somewhat peaceful.

It was as if you just fell asleep in them midst of the noisy chatter.

All is well now - no alarmist type worries.

Still - it is pretty out of the ordinary.

Thank you tho - to those who cushioned my fall

Notes after spring cleaning..

2008-11-23T12:57:00.003+08:00

I found a post dated June 2007 in one of my many hidden folders - wondering who was the tiny favour for and why...

I take my small steps, I do not claim to know very much about life and its offerings. I do know one thing though, I am bless with friends that are more valuable than all the money in the world.

What binds us together is not the money, not the power and status that comes with the spending power we have, but the true fact that we know each other and we know each well, in ways that are strange to others.

I often get the notion that I do not behave like I should behave as my gender norms state it. I often get asked why I do not adopt the socially acceptable practices that my gender warrants. Often, I do return home with those questions in my mind, why I am not like the others.

I ramble incessantly, I speak with anger and passion and I care. At least for the little things that impact life. I spoke to someone who recently lost his loved one, in an awful accident, doctors said it was too critical and he could not be saved. That someone appealed to me, I could sense the anxiety in his voice, I could sense the concern and also the anger. He asked for a tiny favour, I pray that his problems will be solved soon.

I can’t say I can change his world for him, but I hope that I played a role in making it better and not reverse it.

It takes a certain type to do what we do. It requires us at the outset to shun all worldly wants and desires and to be content with what little we need, not what we want. It’s a long and winding road and the trail at present seems laden with obstacles, but, as long as we keep on walking, even crawling at times, we will reach the sunset. Rome was not built in a day, and the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

A message sent by a comrade in the same journey. I gain strength from this person, each time and every time.

I hold these words true to myself. Living with the ashes of reality is my belief, not living in a smokescreen of happiness.

I'm in love..

2008-11-20T20:35:00.002+08:00

You've touched these tired eyes of mine
And mapped my face line by line
And some how growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart
You wrap your thoughts and works of art
And there hanging on the walls of my heart.

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours.

And though my edge is maybe rough
I never feel I'm quite enough
And it may not seem like very much
But I'm yours.

You healed these scars over time
And braced my soul, you loved my mind
Your the only angel in my life
The day the news came, my best friend died
My knees went weak, and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes.

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours.

And though my edge is maybe rough
I never feel I'm quite enough
And it may not seem like very much
But I'm yours.

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours.

*I'm allowed a rare emotional and poetic moment - it's a beautiful piece, credit to The Script

Ellen Goodman, journalist...

2008-10-26T00:09:00.000+08:00

"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it."

Dust off those dancing shoes..

2008-10-02T12:18:00.006+08:00

For the first time - in a long time, I partied like a rock star.

Ha. Exaggeration - rephrase. For the first time, in a long time, I went out dancing in a nightclub.

Stop - I can see you roll your eyes from here.

Arriving late - taking too long to dress up and dancing on the makeshift semi-platform all sounds recipe for a girl's night out.

The truth is - I took too long to dress because I felt t-shirts and Birkenstocks don't exactly cut it at a nightclub and also dancing on the makeshift whatchamacallit not really about being a poser in the club but honestly we had no other place to stand on the crowded dance floor.

These little revelations about myself made me think. I never particularly cared how I appeared in crowds (so long I maintained basic hygiene standards) and I never really gave a (hoot) where I should be positioned in the club - on dance floor, at the bar, by the DJ console?

Why did it matter last night?

I then realised being in that rather unfamiliar setting (hey, it HAS been that long since I've out of the cage), initially made me uncomfortable.

I have my reservations about crowds, I have my reservations about people that frequent clubs (of which all is better revealed in person) .. and the number of young kids carrying blackberry-s... (why? do they need to be in communication ALL the time?)

And.. and the cars that rolled up in the car park..

All that materialism shown - is it really important to have a flashy wardrobe and funky gadgets so you will stand out in the crowd?
Or it is important to say they "partied" all night but don't say they were among the many that stared nervously at the empty dance floor.

People hold back but yet want to be liberated.

People outdo each other on all counts but yet want to fit in.

Well - nothing held my mates and I back for sure - it was a dance like there was no tomorrow...
in 19th century wardrobe..

Chapatis,air sirap and dim sum

2008-09-22T22:02:00.003+08:00

When I was in Standard One, my two best friends were a Malay girl and a Punjabi girl. I can still recall the long phone conversations I had with them after school. What would 7-year-old girls talk about for hours is one of life's mysteries.

Not only that, we hung out at each other's houses and talked some more and did what children did best - play. Not one moment did it occur to me that I was in a non-Chinese home or that I had chapatis for tea and drank "air sirap".

Fast forward to 2008, I am (ahem) in my 30s and my best friends remain - no, I stand corrected, the circle grew a little more - and now I have close buddies who are Malay, Indian and from mixed ethnicities or are confused. That is not the point. I still did not think twice about having Murtabak Singapura or banana leaf rice - so long the company is good. And the experience enriching.

These thoughts came to me when I read an article on an ex-Minister being quoted on creating Bangsa Malaysia. Whether it may be a popularity stunt or rhetoric, I felt that yes, rightfully said, race really does not matter. As idealistic as it sounds - surely we want the best for Malaysia and Malaysians. No denying that we are all selfish - we want to stand first in line when we collect our road tax rebates, we want the best restaurant service and we want to win the best awards. And when we do not get our way, we use the racial arguments to hide our sour grape attitudes.

The racial tone then, is stemmed from being selfish - not really racial at all. I'm no stranger to that trait - I am guilty of prejudices and ignorance too. While I can strive to change that streak in me (like in the article), can the rest of us too try? We always say we want to be different, but more often than not, we conform saying society made us behave this way and change is difficult.

Is really that difficult? I doubt it. I leafed through a magazine the other day, found a gorgeous Malay style house that I'd love to own. And as often as I can, I help a friend's sister decorate her family's Christmas tree during the December.

I want (and I believe many share my sentiment) to be different - and I want to be part of this change.

And....who cares if I speak English with a Kelantanese accent..:)

Of bus stop protests and beers...

2008-09-14T19:59:00.005+08:00

It is that time of the year again.

Where you don your black outfits and yellow ribbons.

The last time we were in such a scenario was when The Sun ran into controversy eight years ago. We stood at Jalan 225, lighting candles and chatting away into the night.

The Candlelight Vigil for our fellow journalist and former ISA detainee was short, and sweet.

Despite the grumblings for the lack of numbers, many still showed up (and dispersed several times), and stayed while the police observed with exasperation.

Our dear colleague was released more than eight hours before the vigil - but yet we stood together. Well, yes, the tone was less serious and it turned out to be a good reunion of sorts - but nevertheless, I was proud to be part of the crew.

Even when the police gave stern orders to disperse, we did not budge, well, maybe a couple more feet in the opposite direction of the loud hailers and riot police (that too is newsworthy - what could journalists do, stab people with their pens?)

Anyhow, jokes aside, it did mark a rather tense period for the country - at least from my view. What scares me most is a small majority of shallow minded (or power hungry and overly ambitious individuals) exercise clout in the few words they say.

While the rest of us can watch, shake our heads, and let out sighs of frustrations.

Someone also joked about the lameness of a bunch of Malaysian journalists - likening us to softies compared with our Asian neighbours during protest rallies.

The South Koreans use steel pipes to clash with police, the Indonesians show their aggression with their numbers and even the Thais made a big chicken rice feast in the weeks outside Government house.

I digress.

I just feel that as much as you don't want to care anymore, you do. And you go to bed thinking (or maybe it IS me) if the political situation will fix itself or if it needs to undergo an ugly phase before the dust settles.

I'm keeping my running shoes by the door..

(pictures courtesy of Stania)

My Mind...

2008-09-08T20:01:00.003+08:00

Procrastination Independence Manukan Island Boat Doctorate Sociology United Nations Mount Kinabalu Bangkok Discovery Red Sofa Starbucks Café SKII Asian Development Bank Cupcakes Technology Ruins Peace DNE Interview Producer Melbourne Trams Channel 31 Love Quiet Tyre Swing Coffee on a Rooftop Lorong 5 Glenmorangie Whiskey Rallies Helmet Beers in Tiong Bahru Leona Lewis Migration Nine West Useless Loneliness Guarded Hurt Dalai Lama’s brother turned CIA Translator Zimbabwe Regular Skinny Latte To Go Spinelli’s Barack Obama Sarah Palin Pain Heartbreaking Sobs Blue Skies Click Life in Boxes My Best Friends Pakistan Pilates Husband Pet Cat Authoring a Book Sadness Motorised Gadgets Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Satin Broken Shoes International Herald Tribune Milk and Thistle Christmas Red Socks Mac Book Air Yacht Club in Sentosa Island Tennis Lessons Retreat Camp Robert Kincaid Secrets Empty Heart Trusts No More Miami Ink Looking for Love

It just doesn't get better than this..

2008-09-02T12:03:00.008+08:00

The photos do not do the places justice

Who wants to remain

in the
concreteness of it all

when they can soak

in the colours of life?

How do you detach yourself from the daily buzzes - to just find the simplicities to embrace?
Do you question the importance of the routines that pay for your designer drinks?
Or do you want to let it all go and find beauty in human spirit - I am finding the courage to do so.

Quiet nights and noisy thoughts...

2008-08-02T18:16:00.003+08:00

"... it will all get better in time..."

Funny how the unexpected shows up and derails you sometimes.
So much has happened, forcing you to take charge...and hold your dignity.
They say life's lessons can't be taught.. they have to be learnt.

Beautiful moments remain beautiful.
Painful ones are easing away.
How you allow them to weave into your life, is how best you learn life's lessons.

I could not describe how beautiful some of those moments were..
And how painful they (sometimes) make me feel..
And how revelations (or not) hit where I am most vulnerable..

I neither claim I never saw those moments coming..
And I addict myself to its rushes and euphoric uncertainties..
I don't stop.. cos I don't know where I am going..

If mum knew what I was up to last night...

2008-07-17T21:27:00.007+08:00

she'd throw her Japanese slippers at me.

Heh. No, this is not a juicy post, but rather a chance to vent my frustrations (along with many Malaysians) of the current political scenario.

I accompanied a freelance radio journalist friend to Jalan Hang Tuah where the said opposition bigwig was detained (freed at current point in time).
Being naturally nosy and itching for excitement, I got a chance to take these amateur photos at the scene.
A shot from the divider(standing underneath the shaky monorail), the police's Federal Reserve Unit stand guard.

While the group of supporters crowd around, amidst the hundreds of press photographers, camera personnel and journalists who jostled to get the best angles.

So I chose to stand next to the FRU line, should jeers or taunts turn into an ugly clash. At least, I thought, I would be facing in the opposite direction should the teargas guns fire away.
Plus, running towards the police station (located behind the FRU line), was the best escape route in my torn sandals.
I guess, more importantly, as I chatted with my weary-eyed friends tasked to cover this long night, the bigger question remains.

Why are Malaysians being dragged into this time consuming and time wasting tussle for power. As cliche-d as it will sound, priorities are misplaced and we forget why we push for transparency and accountability in the first place.

Were we misguided as Malaysians on March 8? Were we misled to believe that there could be hope for at least a better life as a Malaysian?
Idealistic, yes. I believe I am entitled to that, like the rest that voiced their rights that fateful day. And as a person who hates to rant and whine, could we not be pro-active then since the hope that March 8 brought seems to be fading..

I turn 31 this year. I want to be able to tell my friends from other countries that while Malaysia is not perfect, it is home. It is colourful, exciting, slow at times, but it has soul.

But the current spare of events in the past month is embarassing, and disappointing. What can we do as Malaysians. Close one eye? Or both. Do we make plans to pack our lives into boxes (again) and live in places not called home? Or do we carry a placard and holler for our "voices" to be heard (again)? I'll ask Oracle when he distributes flyers in the Ss2 coffeeshops.

What do we do?

Renewing, reflecting and recharging.

2008-07-14T22:45:00.008+08:00

That was the central theme of our last meeting in Manila. Renew we did our ties with journalism concepts, values, issues and common challenges. Reflect on the progress made and unmade in the last years of this pursuit of a wider goal and shared vision. And recharge we did.

It did not occur to me that the alumni conference this time was a rather academic one, more importantly, it did not occur to me how strongly I felt for the profession and the values it represent, and the (growing) network that has been built over the years, thanks to the kind donors that gave all of us this opportunity.

You can't help but feel the nostalgia when you go through the class photos, the sleepless nights and the exhausting debates about ethics when deciding material for print and broadcast. You also find yourself laughing contagiously when you remember the jokes, antics and little escapisms you took in this pursuit of excellence.

Keywords that still make me smile or laugh out loud in fond memory - pandesals, Father Bu, UP and that FHM magazine we bought for our Burmese friend.

My eyes have opened much in the last few years, compounded by my brief stint across the Causeway. I do want to capitalise on the opportunities that lie ahead - maybe even make a(nother) brave exit, this time out of the profession. Till then. I will still keep giggling fondly of the best times I have had in Manila.

Posing pretentiously at the fountain on the Ateneo de Manila University campus

And seen here, mucking around
after only one.. one bottle of San Mig Light..

But photojournalist Jimmy Domingo's take of the moment says it all...I absolutely relish it.

Bernoulli's Principle

2008-07-09T22:38:00.002+08:00

This theory, which originally was applied to his research in fluids & medicine (particularly blood pressure), helps explain how planes fly.
He discovered that the principle that the pressure of a fluid decreases when its speed or velocity increase.
This helps to explain that when a plane is speeding up for take off, the faster it goes the less air pressure is exerted on it and therefore the plane is able to 'lift-off' the ground and fly. A plane that does not obtain sufficient speed on the ground, for its size & weight, may not be able to take off successfully

*Source: Wiki.answers.com

Ed's note: I am trying to find the co-relation between flying and perspiration

The monkey on your back is the latest trend...

2008-06-29T22:07:00.001+08:00

Juno MacGuff: I think I'm in love with you.
Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno MacGuff: No... I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually

*Source: IMDB.com

Gone fishing

2008-06-23T13:38:00.003+08:00

That is a shot of a fishing pond in Ulu Yam.
Very serene, picturesque and peaceful.
No fish caught though.
Even beer didn't make the bait more enticing.
But never mind, more for us then.

It was a nice weekend out of the city.
A chance to get away from distractions for a while.
Although there were many who asked if I could sit still, an important point during the course of this activity.
I did.
For about half an hour before I started pacing and walking around the pond, making friends with other "fishermen" at this particular pond.
Even the owner who stopped by to ask if we had any luck mentioned that sitting still and waiting is crucial.

A more important lesson then.
All good things come for people who waited.
After six beers, four cigars and countless cigarettes......
Well, at least the beautiful drive home made up for the lack of catch..

Quick fixes

2008-06-17T20:21:00.003+08:00

1. No, I do not feel pressured to get married.
2. Yes, I enjoy my books on religion and Obama's Audacity of Hope
3. No, I can't buy a house because I do not want to live in fear
4. Yes, I only spent four months in Singapore.
5. Yes, I can lunch alone.
6. Yes, I am human underneath it all.
7. No, I do not enjoy mall-ing.
8. Yes I like children but I can't afford them in my life now.
9. Yes, I am looking at my options.
10. Yes, I miss debates about the US elections, China's PR crisis and the narrow minded West sentiments.

Just

2008-06-11T21:23:00.000+08:00

*Source: a beautiful revolution

Doppelganger lurks..

2008-06-09T22:28:00.001+08:00

a ghostly double of a living person that haunts its living counterpart..



*source: various

*reaction: eh?

Words from a true genius....

2008-06-05T16:28:00.000+08:00

"korupsi, opresi, obsesi, diri... polusi..dipresi... di bumi kini..."
"tokleh tehe... nak minum anchor"

Sometimes..

2008-05-23T23:17:00.000+08:00

just sometimes, I don't know what to do with myself..

Any suggestions?

s.t.o.p.

2008-05-19T21:49:00.001+08:00

Read a good book.

Smell the flowers.

Take time off (from) myself.

Time to listen, Sus.

Talking about everything and nothing

2008-05-18T21:30:00.003+08:00

It does not have to be Confucius' Golden Mean's rule.

It can just be singing a tune out of the Marines' song, the one with Tripoli in it.

It does not have to be about heavy questions on the discrepancies in China and Burma's regimes.

It can be just about laughing about Rick Astley's silly jig in his one hit wonder music video. No I am not repeating it here.

I miss it. That.

I am NOT going to write you a love song..

2008-05-17T20:17:00.002+08:00

*bounces about in rhythm..*

Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while, the breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it’s too soon to see, If I’m happy in your hands

I’m unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s
Make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you’ll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
’cause I believe there’s a way you can love me
Because I say
I won’t write you a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see

I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
’cause you asked for it
’cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
’cause you tell me it’s make or breaking this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don’t want it for a minute
Babe, I’ll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There’s a reason to
Write you a love song today

*Thank you Sarah Bareilles, for putting a smile on my days.

FEAR

2008-05-11T10:57:00.000+08:00

Break out of it..

"This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime..."

2008-04-19T17:19:00.003+08:00

from Bridges of Madison County...

I was reminded of this sad love story, of conflicted love and restrained romance.

Painful, heart wrenching, but beautiful just the same.

The idea then is to cherish, embrace and accept, that life's kinks makes it more meaningful.

Angry journalists..

2008-04-13T01:23:00.002+08:00

Haha.

A simple, dressed down website where journalists/media practitioners gather to vent.

Nothing flamboyant about it, can't blame the host, since users spend hours decorating pages, web pages and prettying up television packages.

Check it out on the blogroll.

And, we wonder why we are so grumpy all the time?

Heh.

You know who you are...

2008-04-11T22:44:00.003+08:00

Drew: - I thought you were in Hawaii.
- What's this?

Claire "When cremation is your preference."
I just got some brochures
I want you all to look at.

(And these are some choice of urns... available here
at the Cave Hill Cemetery.
You can take them home and...You can look at those brochures and...
Y'all can look at those, take those home with you.)

Whatever makes you happy.
We are shopping for an urn.
(And you can pick this up tomorrow immediately following the procedure.)

The Jim Morrison of Kentucky.

Drew: You're kind of great, Claire.
You do know that.

- Sort of amazing, even.

Claire: Oh, come on!
- I don't need an ice cream cone.

- It's not an ice cream cone.

Drew: What's an ice cream cone?

Claire: You know.
"Here's a little something to make you happy. "Something sweet that melts in five minutes."

I'm completely cool with anything you want to say or not say.

I don't need it.

Besides, Ben is coming in tomorrow.
- Do you want to hear my theory?

Drew:- Of course.

Claire:-You and I have a special talent, and I saw it immediately.

Drew:-Tell me.

Claire:-We're the substitute people.

The substitute people.

I've been the substitute person my whole life.

I'm not an Ellen.

I never wanted to be an Ellen.

And I'm not a Cindy, either.
Although Chucks love me.

I'm sure they do.

I like being alone too much.

I mean, I'm with a guy who's married to his academic career.

I rarely see him.
And I'm the substitute person there.

I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure.

Here.

Play this for the loudest kid in the world.

Drew:-I'm not used to girls like you.

Claire:-That's because I'm one of a kind.

Drew:-You don't have to make a joke.

I like you without the jokes.

Claire:-Get some sleep.

I have a personnel interview tomorrow morning...

and if I get transferred, Ben will die.
Didn't it just feel better...
that we just didn't
do something impulsive?

- I mean...
- Yes.

Now we actually have a shot at being friends...

for the rest of our lives.
The rest of our lives.

*Excerpt from Elizabethtown... thank you to patient fans who transcribed the entire movie script.

I was about to..

2008-04-10T22:53:00.002+08:00

Give it up..

and give it up..

I will smile, I deserve better..

I love my life.... celebrating my daily anniversaries...:)

I've learnt.. and I'm still learning..

2008-04-06T01:28:00.004+08:00

Gems are rare, but when found, are cherished..
Love crosses all boundaries with no discriminations...

Quiet time teaches calmness...
Sincerity exists, rare, once found, exists wholeheartedly...

And letting go is the hardest, once achieved, liberates the soul...

Short time I've been out of my comfort zone. And the neighbours have heard me talking to myself, from the times I've walked home, and the times I let off steam within the four walls.

I have grown (hopefully) a little wiser, a little older (gulp).. to love a little more..

Having lost someone dear before you lose the zone, I must say, makes you grow up.

I've found that the uncontrollable tears will stop once you learn to breathe, slower, and calmer..

I've also found that the idiosyncracies are similar, the whines no different and the colours of culture ever so beautiful.

My initial feelings of angst and distaste, fizzle (not completely), after I learn to stop, look and go..

I've learnt that bonds I share are ever so strong and the strength of new ones grow each day.

I thank the forces that be, the support, and the love around me, for teaching me and showing me.

Learn from the good. Leave the bad.

And, if I turned back the clock to do it again? I would say a resounding yes.

There is a sense of appreciation and love I have for the beings, things, smells and touches around me.

I love it.

The morning after...

2008-02-24T23:53:00.001+08:00

Nomination Day of the Malaysian general elections.

Strange. Your body tells you to sleep. Your mind is too tired to.

My comrade is mixing red bull and carbonated drinks. I worry.

My other is suffering from heatstroke.

Day two.. Phew.

Democracy lives! (hopefully).

It's 2am.

2008-02-14T01:50:00.005+08:00

Salty pillows don't exactly make good companions.
But you make do with what you have.

It can be cold.... But I've learnt to make it warmer.
I've been dismissed many times..... I learn to take it tougher.

I've ceased explaining.... And replying to the cordials..
I'd rather be real about reality.

Not pretend that it is warm and fuzzy.

I only stay up because I have trouble resting.
I don't worry but I don't want addiction.

Only way I find help.... Is first, to help myself.

Half a box of kleenex.

2007-12-31T22:34:00.000+08:00

i believe that is always going to be my life story.

Having sinus or cold attacks drives the sales of kleenex i reckon. and this new year's eve is no different.

But having said that, as crude as it sounds. it is all about letting out the old and embracing the new.

A girlfriend told me about the law of attraction and how it works, if you think positively, you will draw positive energies into your life and vice versa. (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)..

so like i always share with a close confidante, the new year, as we always hope, will bring loads of positive change. (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)

reflecting back, this year has seen some losses, changes, chapters closed, new chapters open, and no change to the nicotine addiction.

i would not ask for a better year, albeit there was much kleenex involved, but not trade this for a million bucks.

i don't want to make resolutions, or make promises to myself i cannot keep but i want to wade through the muddy waters(much like in mersing) and enjoy the clear blue skies as and when they come my way.

i have no regrets, only to be open, more tolerant and calmer in the year ahead. and perhaps work my way to my true calling... (million dollar lottery, million dollar lottery)...

voila.. here's to a 2008 that will be unforgettable..

2007-12-28T21:51:00.000+08:00

"People have scars in all sort of unexpected places, like secret road maps of they are personal histories, diagrams of they're old wounds. Most of our wounds heal leaving nothing behind but a scar but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere, and though the cut's long gone, the pain, still lingers."

- Anonymous

Quiet nights and pink keyboards....

2007-12-20T23:01:00.000+08:00

It is like these crazy moments I miss the most, especially during quiet nites here.

It is the festive period when most are out and about, in groups and in the midst of celebrations.

Makes me long for home even more...

My usual view on nites like these (see second pic), resting in the space I temporarily call my own, catching up on news and trendy, ahem, shows I missed.

Not complaining. Just in moments like these I suppose there is more time to reflect, think and find some peace within myself. Very zen.......no?

Hence, I learn to appreciate the little things I have taken for granted, time, patience and kindness.. In the meantime I am going to get used to my rubberized keyboard (see third picture). Pink like candy. Ha.:)

I burnt a button

2007-12-17T21:21:00.000+08:00

when ironing this evening. How is that possible I don't know.

I amaze myself each day at the discoveries I make, from the mistakes I make, and from the lessons taught to me.

I've been settling in a new environment slowly for the past few weeks. Admittedly rain makes it a little difficult, not impossible, but a little difficult when the echoes of emptiness fills the hours.

Last Sunday was overwhelming. I suppose each chapter came to a close, the thought of moving on, changing, a loved one passing on, leaving people I love behind and finally physically being in a new place.

An hour passed and I looked at my the empty flat and clothes-filled bag. And I couldn't stop the sobs.

I am grateful for the support I have, the kindness shown to me so far.. A close friend's simple words were, take a day at a time and soon it will seem less grey.

I suppose it is all about switching mindsets and perspectives of the choices you make in life. I feel limbo-like now, not really wanting to go home, but not particularly liking the choices I have made. But again, those words ring in my head.

A day at a time. I'll do that.. for now.

She said goodbye...

2007-11-26T13:03:00.000+08:00

Goodbye, she says...
We wished her well..

It was a bleak weekend for all of us here.. Not entirely unexpected, still the departure caught some of us by surprise.

She was good to us.... she gave, cared and loved. The long conversations in the tiny kitchen, the stories of charcoal-ed irons and starched pants..

She, a strong woman, she was. We thanked her, asked for forgiveness and pray she is now in a better place...

Things to do when you're idle..(Part 2)

2007-11-21T00:09:00.000+08:00

It's been two months (or more?) since I've left the wonderful world of employment.. The break has been a good one, leaving me much room to meet up with old friends, catch up on myself and spend the much needed quality time with the loved ones.

In the time that I have had to myself, aside from closing the school chapter (well it is 90% closed), I have learnt so much, perhaps lessons I neglected, and lessons I needed to be taught in the course of life.

How to be patient was one, how to appreciate the comforts of home and the peeves of your parents, how to let go and pray for the end of suffering for those in pain.

I have learnt that some friendships have to end, and some treasured forever. I have learnt managing expectations is still a raw lesson, and that I
still need to refine it.
But I have learnt to be a little more (I am only still human) open, to care without caring for returns and to laugh again...

I've missed me.

I'm glad I found me.. and I'm glad to have found what it was to find me...

Seven year cycle...

2007-11-04T03:13:00.000+08:00

Someone I once loved told me about his theory of the seven year cycle. How your life changes every seven years.

I wonder now if there is any truth to that.

Seven years ago.. I was breaking up with someone I wanted to marry. Permed my short cropped hair and dyed it bright neon red. Learnt how to smoke (designer pretensious cigarettes) and met a travelling juggler while filming at a park near Flinders Station. Worked at a community television station classifying gay and lesbian programmes and learnt how to grow tomatoes and brew scotch.

How does one top that?:)

But also. Seven years ago I was nearly hospitalised for heat stroke, nearly "dated" a bisexual (I swear I didn't know) and missed getting hit by a tram in Caulfield.

Goodness... Life is really full of wonders.

If I had a chance to do it all again, today, I would. This time, if I can dictate how my next seven yeas will be, I will date "her", brew single malts or invest in a winery instead.

And. Stick to my natural hair colour, thank you. :)

on my knees again...

2007-10-24T11:09:00.000+08:00

Spring cleaning and I discovered this... played it on my cassette player and remembered somehow there are just memories you don't want to remember but you don't forget...

I remember the Kancil I drive home after our fights... I listen to Eckhardts voice, the tears, the cigarettes, the wee hours in the morning to seek refuge and calmness amidst the anger...

Or the times you kicked me out of your car, when you call me those names, when you hit so hard...
To be trodden and to be demeaned in the same breaths as I love you...

All those promises you made, those visions you offered us, how selfish were you, how insecure were you... How you shaped the way I perceive people today. I hated you.

It's not worth the energy no more. Her tunes brought me back to a time when I was at my unhappiest.

On my knees again, Tiffany Eckhardt

I don't remember what I said or who I said it to or what I said it for...
I don't remember how I got to when I woke up on the floor...
I know I said that I'd be home but I don't know what happened to the time...
I don't know how I got these bruises on my neck or this madness in my mind...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

I didn't think I'd lose control, I'd really thought I'd be fine...
But then agian you'd think I'd ever known cos it happens every time...
I lose my sight in bright light of the day..
I don't know how it is I could love you so much and hurt you in this way...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

You're such a clever, clever beast, but that whispers it's ok...
that smiling at me cos I'm fading away...
And sorry is such an empty-handed word when it has been heard a 1000 times...
I got to find myself a better way cos I'm wrong and out of lines...

Somebody help me please, because I'm scared to death of me...
Ok, I admit defeat cos I'm down on my knees again...

This song.. came to mind after a long conversation about filial piety...

2007-10-19T21:53:00.000+08:00

Corrinne May's Fly Away

"When will you be home?" she asks as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
SIlver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh...
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

When hearts go cold..

2007-10-19T21:36:00.001+08:00

You sit in the dark, wait for the next light of hope...You ask, often, let your mind go...
Why, the knots, the pain, the hurt....

You seek the solace, comforts of the familiar... How fragile your heart, you reach...
For the remnances of love, you wished you had wholehearted...

You wonder, why you can't.. Can't let go, of the safe, warm, longing..
Of the love you once thought you held, close to your heart...

You put your hands together... Wipe those salty reminders away...
You resolve, embrace and strengthen....

We interrupt this programme..

2007-10-10T02:00:00.000+08:00

Again.

Ten reasons why I have temporary (!) insomnia:

1. I've missed my Master's Project deadline by two weeks
2. I am constructing and reconstructing 7,000 odd words to make them flow
3. I have been out of a routine for the last 31 days and have no sense of time (refer back to 1)
4. I met a "past love" and reigniting my TV relationship with him
5. I am relocating!
6. I am excited about watching Pendekar Bujang Lapok again (refer to 3)
7. I can't find my secret whiskey stash - grr
8. I can't conclude the arguments in my head about ethics and blogging
9. Lavender oil keeps me awake
10. I've broken my power tool..... gotcha!

Biar, sings Rossa....

2007-10-09T15:06:00.000+08:00

jangan kau pergi lagi meninggalkanku
sepi ku sendiri
jangan kau buat aku terbalut sunyi
kini kau berada dekat denganku

biar, biarkan aku mengisi ruang di hatimu
karena ku selalu memikirkanmu, mencintamu
biar, biarkan cinta bersemu di dalam hatimu
jadikan ku bagian di hidupmu, di jiwamu

ku tak bisa berhenti menginginkanmu
hidup terasa hampa tanpamu

*This must the shortest song I have ever come across.

Sleep-less.

2007-10-06T11:58:00.000+08:00

Its been a while,
Been a while since I feel so broken...
Broken and scarred...
Sad and in pain....
Where love cease existence..
Where emptiness prevails...

Tire of trying...
Tire of battling..
Lest I seek to question, again and again..
Whenst pages are shortened... words are erased..
When compromise is reached....

I still hold a torch for unconditional love.. and complete acceptance...
The tears are less.. but..questions remain...
When..when....when....

I still hold the torch, till the body tired, minds jade and
tears run dry...

Pfth

2007-10-02T07:30:00.000+08:00

I hate it when I can't sleep.

Poofta.

Self crisis

2007-09-28T01:05:00.000+08:00

Over a dinner conversation recently, my dinner companions and I chatted excitedly (or less to some) about luxury purchases.

A little too generalising, some may opine, but the purchases seem be a catching trend among individuals in a certain age group.

One companion had immediately likened the buying spree to a response to "mid-life" crisis. I personally thought these purchases were gender specific.

But, I do not judge people for their behaviour patterns, it interests me to note this "phenomenan", a term to justify the act of purchasing.

I find that mid-life crisis is not gender specific, with purchases like the branded tote bag, Manolo Blahnik shoes or a facelift surfacing as hot topics amongst women.

I thought of taking this to another level.

Perhaps theory of self could be reason enough to explain why people behave the way they do.

How after different phases of life, people think about paying more attention on themselves, their needs and wants.
It does not necessarily have to be material items, I just got word of a 40plus person keen on pursuing psychology courses, driven by keen interest.

Then again, I know of many and not differentiated by age, who splurge on spas (ahem), holidays (double ahem) and expensive skincare (aha!).

Would that be term as mid-life crisis. I wonder.

Maybe it is not a crisis to begin with. It is evolution of one's self, at different stages of his and her life.

Change (positive or otherwise) is to be embraced, I think, not scorned or brushed off at the first instance.

In the meantime. I will wait patiently for a free joyride in that luxury vehicle. Ha!:)

Facades.

2007-09-25T02:26:00.000+08:00

This concept played in my head after a late night, long conversation with an old friend.

fa·cade /fəˈsɑd, fæ-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fuh-sahd, fa-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun
1. Architecture.
a. the front of a building, esp. an imposing or decorative one.
b. any side of a building facing a public way or space and finished accordingly.
2. a superficial appearance or illusion of something

Why do people do it?

source: dictionary.com

Standing up

2007-09-25T01:59:00.000+08:00

I know. I should be sleeping. But I can't help it.

Something came to my mind. (ok. I know)

In the last 12 months, it has been a very interesting journey, in the course of meeting people, either professionally or otherwise.

I must say there is a better sense of clarity I feel now then 12 months ago. Amidst the deadlines and clutter I often (bring) encounter in my life.

One thing I did learn about is that it is difficult to leave comfort zones. I am fortunate to have little attachments that influence decisions for change. And nights like this I reflect on why I did not make my decisions earlier.

Regardless of that, I have to say that having kept to what you believe in for 12 months, years or significant periods of your life is tough.

I must say that I have met many, who have sung different tunes to suit the moods and played fans to different camps, to fit the selfish (unselfish?) purposes.

Not judging. Just reflecting. Perhaps also having the time off allows me to see things a little clearly and to take off those rose-tinted glasses I wear occasionally.

I might not have driven that luxury car, or purchased the fancy condominium with the sexy postcode.

But, I have made my decisions with a (rather) clear consience and with integrity, something I still believe the profession holds close to its heart.

And I continue to be driving my radio-less vehicle and living in what I make out as my own personal space.

Binge thinking...

2007-09-23T20:08:00.000+08:00

This came up over an online chat with a close friend. It's similar to the lemon saying, when life hands you lemons you do some thing funky with it. (Or if life hands you a bottle of unopened Chivas Regal, you try and try again)

I had a lecture from a girlfriend many nights ago about the wrinkle lines I create for myself. I think too much some say, one person even coined up the term analysis paralysis to describe the syndrome of most. And mind you there is scientific term coined for this syndrome - binge thinking. How people overdo it due the many possibilties that offer themselves in this book we call life.

Yes, I have closed one chapter and am moving on to the next.

Anxiety first, excitement follows next.

I think those who are close to me are tired of hearing it and tired of consolation and conversation. I apologise. Profusely. I could do this alot better as I learn and unlearn. But without the support, I would be suffering from post binge thinking. No?

I confuse as much as I ramble.

But I DO want to thank you (you know who you are) who have played a significant part in my life, from the late night chats to the online conversations. I can't say enough that these bonds are very meaningful in my life.

Disclaimer: Picture is for illustration purposes only. For the record, the bottle was left unopened and disappeared from the hands of this blogger. Honest.

Sometimes

2007-09-20T17:40:00.000+08:00

A good cry helps
A broken sob eases
The frailty

Feeling empty
Blackness despair..
Waking up to nothing

A quiet moment
Broken tears..
Sad, sad songs

A simple hello
Smiles to greet
A how are you.

A hug
Close, tightly
You're not alone.

Plan B

2007-09-20T01:37:00.000+08:00

and humility.

Sometimes I feel I get ahead of myself.

What's that mantra again that I keep telling myself ..

*Close eyes*

*Sits in lotus position*

*Think of Plan B*

Of papers, ethics and Habermas...

2007-09-16T23:44:00.000+08:00

This is the "aerial" view of my bed currently. That orange bit in the corner is the pasar malam shorts I don each night as I sit and synthesis all these words for my last project for Graduate School.

I sleep with the papers each night, I don't mind, my only peeve is that the words do not translate into synthesised ideas much needed to graduate.

Sigh.

But I like coming "here". And two things I want to do. First to reflect on the unique way the world works. Second.. we will get to the second in a bit.

Ten minutes before this post, I received a call from an industry contact on whether it was feasible to stop presses on a particular "incident" took place outside Malaysia.

I am using cryptic terms, to maintain my no-name policy, for reasons I will explore in my second purpose of this post. Please bear with me.

Back to the story, the industry contact received instructions from the head honcho for fear that the accident, if published on the front page of a publication the next day, will paint a bad light on for investments in the general industry. It is obvious here that the accident, which led to several fatalities, had impacted this industry.

As a journalist, using my rather jaded news sense, if this instruction was well-thought as this incident obviously has news value in it to be posted in public domain. Issues of such high level newsworthiness do warrant attention, debate and action.

It puzzles me each time when I hear of such suggestions. I do not believe that I am of any different standards than the average person. A resounding hmmm is warranted at this juncture.

Anyway.

As part of school assignment, and also for healthy thoughts, the rationale behind cryptic languages on a blog should explained. In the last couple of months or so, I have sat through many coffeeshop and academic-like chats over ethics and blogging.

As both a writer and semi-regular blogger, could I have been a little more accountable in naming names or do I used my blogging license to write as I please.

It is a horribly dynamic and fluid world - this thing we call cyberspace.

Has it resorted to a degeneration of the public sphere or is it an alternative idealised public sphere as explained by German philosopher, Jurgen Habermas.

Why degeneration? Because it is so free and fluid that accountabilty and responsibilty over public reporting take a backseat. Virtually anything and everything can be posted here.

Is that a sign of a progressive society or are we discussing nothing really substantial in the first place?

Or has the world become flat, as American journalist, Thomas Friedman points out, where information flows freely guided by a different working standard or ethics from before the advent of the Internet.

Food for thought.

For once…

2007-09-14T18:41:00.000+08:00

For once is there a chance for me to ask, for nothing but support, for nothing but a shoulder to cry on..

For once, can someone come here and dry these eyes, hold my hand, show me the way…

For once, can you tell me not to give up, tell me that I fit, tell me that I am human…

For once, can the questions stop, the strength wanes, the shoulders can break.. and the tears can flow freely….

For once, I can’t hold up being different for long, I can’t battle my strengths again and again.. I can’t hold my own.

For once, can someone please listen?

It's 2 in the morning

2007-09-14T02:21:00.000+08:00

And the tears are pouring and I want to make worth the night...

Ahem. Nice improvisation ..no?

Having completed one part of my project, I had the pleasure of reading Joan Lau's "Labels, layabouts and those ladies who lunch".

I must say she beat me to it. No. Not claiming the first rights to discussing this topic, but I had wanted to blog about people and judgements, and pigeon-holing people, after a nice quiet dinner at a popular bistro in Bangsar before I had a chance to read Lau's piece.

My dinner mate and I watched a group of ladies enjoying a bottle of champagne and we echoed similar thoughts of not belonging in that restaurant. We watched more diners stroll in, kissing on cheeks to greet and loud giggles that originated from a lady that clearly did not mind others listening on her chatter.

I thought to myself, why are these people so pretentious, or what seemed to be like pretension as least from the way I understood it. Could I have been able to laugh dramatically over petty dinner conversation or could I wear that slinky little black dress to draw attention, admiration or gossip.

I thought I couldn't. I immediately "boxed" these people in stereotypes that I have in my head. The girls drinking champagne probably are not paying for it out of their own pockets, the loud chatter is sounds of dramatic, flamboyancy that could very well be shelved for a quiet nite and the slinky black dress was fit into after weeks of dieting on super shakes and water. (ow)

Upon reading Lau's article, I must say it made me catch my breath. I am quick to dislike those who stereotype me, my gender, profession and choice of music, but I am so equally quick to stereotype others in perceptions I have conditioned myself to believe in.

Is this fair? My bumper sticker has the saying to the effect of treating others as you would like to be treated (It is 2.30 in the morning and I can't for the life of me remember it's exact words).

Would I want to be treated the same way I treated those champagne drinking girlfriends.. or be scorned for looking attractive in the slinky black dress.

I guess not. I suppose you would not to..:)

More interesting finds..

2007-09-12T00:03:00.001+08:00

"On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow" ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Digressing

2007-09-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

I love my circle of friends.
I love how I learn almost each moment I'm with them. Phrases, ideas and kinky concepts thrown in for giggles.
First, I decide to list new words I've learn during a 3 hour drink and laughing session.

1. Cadaver
Meaning:-
a dead body, esp. a human body to be dissected; corpse.
(Interestingly enough... this is different from that night's conversation)

2. Bi-curious
Meaning:-
Someone who is bi-curious does not identify as bisexual, but usually identify as heterosexual or homosexual, in most cases as a heterosexual person, and are curious about having sexual intercourse with the opposite gender that they state their preference as.

3. Inebriated
Meaning:-
an intoxicated person, a habitual drunkard.

4. Genuine
Meaning:-
possessing the claimed or attributed character, quality, or origin; not counterfeit; authentic; real
(I already know the meaning of this one, but apparently Scrabble lets you score 50 bonus points if you finish your tiles! I have been living in the dark ages for too long now)

5. And.. something to do with peanuts.....hic.

*Source: http://www.dictionary.com, Wikipedia

Time

2007-09-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

is really a precious commodity. I didn't realise seven years or more flew by. As I put away the bottle of vodka, the dead plant and the dictionaries (I am still missing a calculator), I reflect on the stories behind the paraphernalia that clutter my journalist table.

I had prayed for change long hard over the last year and it is here at my doorstep.
Somewhat hard to believe, perhaps I have been living in a surreal phase in the last four days that I finally made the decisions that I made. Somehow when change is imminent, it feels a little more awkward to embrace.

Cold feet? Some might say. But if change is needed for rebirth and a recharge, change is what I have to embrace.

So many chapters have gone by, some closed, one nearing closed and others to open. Exciting, no?

Somehow with this open canvas I have in front of me, I am excited and nervous at the same time to hold the different paint colours to start fresh.

I need to calm down.

I don't like

2007-09-06T21:05:00.000+08:00

being here when I'm upset. Or if I do end up here upset it's usually disguised.

I often tell myself that being thick-skinned is both an advantage and occupational hazard. But for once, I couldn't.

Frankly, I don't get why judgements are so important for people to feel secure about themselves. Assessing, grading, benchmarking, surely there is a point to the whole process? No?

Decisions are hard to make in the first place, but petty judging is worse. For a long time I have not been bothered with other's opinions about my choices, senses, decisions and taste for cheap cigarettes.

Inhale, they say, inhale the good and exhale the bad.

I suppose in one way, reacting often stoops me low as those who petty judge, who assess my abilities and even gender. Yea, the weakness of my gender. No?

In the meantime, I'm going to hunt down the person that stole my calculator at work. Pftth.

I know..

2007-09-04T22:52:00.000+08:00

I should be sleeping at this hour, seeing how the bloodshot eyes looked right back at me at the mirror earlier. .

But, I needed a distraction and found a common theme amidst inspecting my wardrobe earlier.

I really need to get new pants. And several pairs at that, mind you.

Other than the one that has a hole from a manhole fall, (it wasn't my fault, the manhole should not have been there in the first place), the rest also suffer from some sort of defect.

After close inspection, I realise that these pants, some as old as 8 years, needed to be replaced or ragged. Other than the usual wear and tear (one of it had to be ragged due to a bad fall after chasing the former Transport Minister on 3 inch heels.. yes, I know, journalists do NOT wear heels, but I was such a greenie then), the one common feature was the wear at the side of the left leg due to the constant contact with my strap(on, ahem) laptop bag.

Anyway.

I don't know if it is about maintenance or the lack of it in my life, or some could even say the lack of care for appearances. I don't know, maybe I'm not big on appearances or maybe I selectively care for whatever hangs in my closet. I swear, if not for that spring cleaning imposed by the lady of the house, there would be alot more (90s) gems in there that could be pulled out for today's wear.

I guess, my point is that, there are days when there are bigger issues to contend with and there are days when the RM148 hairdryer purchased from KK meant so much to me. Ok, ok, the two BCBG dresses at a 50% discount were also a steal. :)

Things are about to change, I believe, and it's not about having new sets of pants in my wardrobe.

And, I must admit here in this space, finding the courage to push oneself further is one of the tougher challenges anyone had to go through. I figured, if I can keep at it, I can really work on life's aspects closer to my heart. Focus, clarity and patience. Patience is the one I lack most.

Pants to patience.

Something worthwhile to consider.

Murphy's Law

2007-08-30T09:01:00.000+08:00

When life hands you lemons. You have tequila shots. (pffth)

Updates soon.

Err with Endorphins...

2007-08-27T22:36:00.000+08:00

There are some days you wish people would pay attention to you.
There are days you wish you could hide in a hole and disappear.

And there are days that you do not realise how MANY people are watching you.
And you did wish that you were not being watched and could hide in a hole and disappear.

Monkey see, monkey do, right?

I decided not to wear my overpriced Lulu Guinness glasses at the gym dance class tonight for fear of perspiration leading to algae growth or worse on these very expensive frames my dearest optometrist friend convinced me to have.

I digress.

I stood at the front of class, being short-sighted, it helps me catch up with the dance moves of the instructor, on the stage. With the class 40 minutes into session, the instructor sits back to watch us, encouraging the class of 30 to get with it.

Being short-sighted in the head as well, led me to execute moves, WrONG moves, into the third verse of the song. Not realising that the class of 30, execute those wrong moves with me.

Fooyoh. Power.

Malu-lah. I had the instructor laughing away, while I attempted to redeem myself by picking up where, I er, left off ala Beyonce.

On a larger context, think of all the influence I can yield and the power.

Rock on.

A fresh breath..

2007-08-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

I love the greyish shades, the cheeky undertones and mood of the photograph. Taken of course by skillful and talented, and not too mention gorgeous photographer, to which I owe this set-up to.

I stepped out from this realm for while, like my ethics teacher taught us to, to step back and reflect and cherish. I have to say, today, I am grateful for the quiet nights that I previously disdained.

I learnt a much in that space I took out for myself. Patience, tolerance and gratitude, kindness and the value of friendship.

I toast to a new beginning, a new start and a fresh take on the next chapter than unfolds. I learn to manage expectations, treat tenses with light-heartedness and keep my canvas open.

Taking a time out

2007-07-15T17:15:00.000+08:00

Two thoughts came over me this weekend, to shelve this blog. Or to take a time out.

There is much, much work coming in the months ahead. Research, streetwork and moving out of this country.

I will take a time out.

Ringing in my head..

2007-06-23T23:35:00.000+08:00

I was feeling depressed last week. Not often I admit it here, usually disguised in some other forms of words.
I know the usual reasons but last week, there was a new element. Death.

I don't deal with it well. Who would. I don't know. I just felt my legs heavier than usual. Plodding along the hours of the day. Felt detached and out of focus. Maybe I was tired too. I don't know. Who knows. But not morbid. Just heavy.

I do want to apologise here to those close to me that had to see this side (again?). I don't mean to snap or to lash or to unload endlessly. I am truly and sincerely sorry if I hurt. I wish I have better outlets. Here. Maybe. I don't want to be complicated. I don't know.

I often associate moods with music or music with moods. I found her again after a decade of not listening to her music.

"Wake Up"

You like snow but only if it's warm
You like rain but only if it's dry
No sentimental value to the rose that fell on your floor
No fundamental excuse for the granted I'm taken for

'Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you

You like pain but only if it doesn't hurt too much
And you sit...and you wait...to receive
There's an abvious attraction
To the path of least resistance in your life
There's an obvious aversion no amount of my insistance
Could make you try tonight

'Cause it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you to you to you to you to you...
There's no love no money no thrill anymore

There's an apprehensive naked little trembling boy
With his head in his hands
There's an underestimated and impatient little girl
Raising her hand

But it's easy not to
So much easier not to
And what goes around never comes around to you
To you, to you

get up get up get up off of it
get up get up get up off of it
get out get outta here enough already
get up get up get up off of it
wake up

*Thank you, Alanis Morrissette, Jagged Little Pill

Tears

2007-06-22T01:06:00.000+08:00

She gave me a tight hug that evening when I dropped in. I heard her crying when she called me two days before and my heart went out to her. I am a big softie and also a big coward.
Her son survived a bad accident and is recuperating. I pray for his recovery.

I pray too that my grandmother is comfortable. Her 94-year-old frail body should not be pricked with tubes, wound with bandage and tightened with discomfort.

I am not the best granddaughter in the world and I do not know if I would be able handle it when it comes, as I remininsce the times she scolded me for disobeying her or when she effortlessly sorted out my dinner menu during my terrible tantrums.

Is it not human nature to reflect during times like this, I believe so. The long conversations about ex boyfriends and the skeletons in the closet that she revealed to me at the kitchen table.

I cried when I left the hospital one evening thinking about these memories. I suppose again, is it not human to feel?

She was there when I was fooled into believing a stranger, she was there when I was missed the bus home from kindergarten. She walked me home from school and stayed up with me to watch The Love Boat.

I tear. I cry. I want to be there too.

Idle minds ... Idle hands..

2007-06-15T11:05:00.000+08:00

I'm not a big fan of waiting, no one is .. One night at a celebration of sorts, the gang grouped up to participate in it. Two hours before the event starts, we had plenty time to goof around.
Scroll for the colours of the night... bwahaha.

It starts with small talk, daydreams and wishes that the food will be served soon..

'

Then some say waiting can make you go mad....

So when two angelic faces pose for candid shots..

The two devils will be up to no good..

* Photos courtesy of candid pixman Yeow Pooi Ling

We interrupt this programme..

2007-06-15T10:59:00.001+08:00

*Source: www.wellingtongrey.net

Who you gonna call...

2007-06-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

Ghostbusters!

I certainly was tickled pink with that line. For those who remember this series, and theme song, you'd better be chuckling in happy memory or groaning in embarassment (!). I love the movie, cartoon series, song and more importantly, people who remember it with me.

One can always let their hair down, at least once in a while, keep the sanity in them, and what better than to "sing" down memory lane. Some snaps from this moment shared with equally crazy 80s kids... scroll...

But when you think about it, at least for those who remember, if lyrics for catchy songs in the 80s (I grew up with Solid Gold and Top of the Pops, ok) were derived from life moments, pains and giggles rolled into a rhythmic dance or a melancholic croon, then life then (or earlier) is really that simple?

Words and meanings for song sentences didn't sound too complicated, lyrics were sad but not broody, they were fun and straightforward. I am really not thaaaat old, but find that the top hits today are filled with angst, anger, revenge, pain, hurt, bubblegum talk, maybe I read too much or too little into it?

The gyrating hips, the skin, the "I do not care I do as I please" attitude, certainly did not exist during the NKOTB (ahem) days or days when Madonna adorned three layers of clothing in her rendition of "Like a Virgin".

Perhaps there is Darwinian-type theory that can explain this, evolution of songs, evolution of social behaviour, trends, culture and the like.

As much as my peers may disagree, whichever way the trend goes, I still hold dear to.... the running man move, shoulder moves, and jumps that goes with..
The Right Stuff!

(Admit it.... you had the stickers too...:))

*Pictures courtesy of avid photographer, singer and 80's music fan

Day Four

2007-06-05T08:45:00.000+08:00

Woke up with a cough today.. *cough* *cough*.

Focus...

2007-06-02T20:52:00.001+08:00

noun
1. the concentration of attention or energy on something; "the focus of activity shifted to molecular biology"; "he had no direction in his life"
2. maximum clarity or distinctness of an image rendered by an optical system; "in focus"; "out of focus"
3. maximum clarity or distinctness of an idea; "the controversy brought clearly into focus an important difference of opinion"
4. a central point or locus of an infection in an organism; "the focus of infection"
5. special emphasis attached to something; "the stress was more on accuracy than on speed" [syn: stress]
6. a point of convergence of light (or other radiation) or a point from which it diverges
7. a fixed reference point on the concave side of a conic section

verb
1. direct one's attention on something; "Please focus on your studies and not on your hobbies" [syn: concentrate]
2. cause to converge on or toward a central point; "Focus the light on this image" [ant: blur]
3. bring into focus or alignment; to converge or cause to converge; of ideas or emotions [syn: concenter]
4. become focussed or come into focus; "The light focused" [ant: blur]
5. put (an image) into focus; "Please focus the image; we cannot enjoy the movie" [ant: blear]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

My current addiction.

2007-06-02T20:45:00.001+08:00

For now. 14 hours and counting.

The Empress

2007-05-31T03:45:00.000+08:00

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot card are you?

Take the test to find out

Bad beer..

2007-05-31T03:27:00.001+08:00

An oxymoron? I think not. It's making me feel sick and I can't sleep.

Help.

Surreal....

2007-05-30T09:14:00.000+08:00

Luxurious rooms.... One luxurious room....

Jewellery, clothes, plush bed...

Piano recital.....

Sneakily looking in one luxurious room... Not stealing, just peeking....

Admiring, relishing.....

Photographer.... Luxurious washrooms.....

Kink in manhole...... Toxicity...... Lime and soap....

Two long kisses.....

A piano recital.... full house... White grand piano........

... And I wake up....

Don't you get that feeling?

2007-05-30T00:05:00.000+08:00

I cracked up. *LOL*

*Source: Australian Press Council

Pre-thesis mode...

2007-05-29T23:35:00.001+08:00

*Source: Colonialmanormotel.com

Intimidation

2007-05-28T21:00:00.001+08:00

noun
1. the act of intimidating a weaker person to make them do something [syn: bullying]
2. the feeling of discouragement in the face of someone's superior fame or wealth or status etc.
3. the feeling of being intimidated; being made to feel afraid or timid
4. a communication that makes you afraid to try something [syn: determent]

WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University.

Current favourite song ..evil grin

2007-05-28T19:24:00.000+08:00

Before He Cheats, by Carrie Underwood

Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleach blonde tramp,
and she's probably getting frisky...
right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool-stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...
And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Right now, she's probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke..
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk" and he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky,
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom polo...
And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats,
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl,
Cause the next time that he cheats...

Oh, you know it won't be on me!

Ohh... not on me...
Cause I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.
Ohh.. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...
Ohh... before he cheats...

A late night message

2007-05-28T10:59:00.000+08:00

I had a late night tinkle on g-talk the other day, from a journalist friend, soon to be former journo, based in Bangalore.
This journalist came online to share a message with friends from all over the world.
Moved by the gesture, I'd like to dedicate the message too, to all those who matter to me.

"One fine day, all of us will get busy with our lives, long working hours, no more meetings, discussions about girls/boys,friends, and no SMS."

"Won't have time for ourselves. On such a day, you will look outside your window and see the good old memories flash by you and you'll smile with a tear in your eyes."

"You will turn back to your work thinking I wish I could go back. To all my friends who helped me in creating such memories...Love You."

Snaps of the moment

2007-05-26T22:20:00.000+08:00

This post is drawn from inspiration from Paula Guevara, a Filipino friend I met through Ling.

Reading her posts on random mobile phone images, it amuses and interests the curious to the mind behind the neat gadget.

I thought I'd share my homemade photo album. Enjoys.

*One of the many black and white postcards I collect on my random visits around the world. Picked this up in tiny bookstore, in Soho, London

*At chef & brew, heated debates on wine, men and audition videos.. not necessarily in that order

*On a chilly night in a sidewalk cafe in Bandung

*It's cute, it's hairy. And it doubles up as a CD case. Hedgehog courtesy of Acid.

*And, er,the gallery. For those who know, it is undergoing a revamp. Watch this space!:)

Of coconut trees and flying kites..

2007-05-25T00:20:00.000+08:00

Word often go around, a break from routine welcomes freshness to the mind.

Did just that, over weekend in Kota Bharu. Most reactions I had received were looks of puzzlement, surprise and cynicals.. but why?

It is a beautiful town, like all towns in Malaysia, a tad optimistic, na? I think not. I suppose when the mind is a empty slate, colours of the varied kind can be painted upon.

As an urbanite, living with 24 hour stimulation of the technological and monetary kind, I find the slower pace of life a welcome change. I can't say I can live such, but I appreciate it a lot more.

Kota Bharu, not bustling like Kuala Lumpur or Ho Chi Minh, but busy just the same. Different trades, enterprises and colours paint this town. As a state governed by an Islamic based political party, I find that perceptions of outsiders are often influenced(wrongly?) by the different media driven by self-serving agendas.

I found it refreshing, warm and as a senior political writer terms it, outback-ish, although I had begged to differ.

From my little time spent in Kota Bharu, extremist sentiments I did not experience, awkwardness of being a different race and colour I did not feel.. It was refreshing.

*Photos courtesy of fellow traveller and photogapher, Yeow Pooi Ling

Don't go far off..

2007-05-24T00:13:00.000+08:00

A serendipitious find, from a year ago from a close confidante

Don't go far off, by Pablo Neruda

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because
I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,
as in an empty station when the trains are parked off somewhere else,
asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me,
choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest, because
in that moment you'll have gone so far I'll wander mazily over all the
earth, asking,
Will you come back?
Will you leave me here, dying?

Pricks..

2007-05-21T20:05:00.000+08:00

I didn't realise it hurt. I guess often the foolish ways of mine I forget prick others.

I'd like to call it an occupational hazard (LOL) having to listen to people's concerns, issues and arguments on how things should be fixed, work it into material that should provoke change and make a difference.

I forget sometimes emotions are involved and that others are human too, like myself.

I hurt her and I'm sorry. I saw that it stayed with her for so many years and I've not realised that it still impacted her. Wearing the hat of the question-eer, I asked, one, two many times. She did not like it. She did not want to accept that it had happened and I do not blame her. It was an awful decision, she was only 7 when it happened. I do not see any fault of hers to react this way to the decision.

Closure, some say? I doubt. I do not see it.

I guess it hits home when you have encounters like this, often we act impulsely, savouring the spontaneity of life, living the moment as they say, but often it hurts.

As righteous as I believe I am, I am not.

I often live as I wished, making impulsive, spontaneous decisions, so much so to have the adrenaline rushes, embracing the joys that life offers.. often which, hurts.

A year ago today, she revealed herself to me, I was sick for days, in contemplation, in awful contemplation of what was revealed.

Wake up little Susie. It's time to wake up.

I should have thought of this earlier..

2007-05-16T00:32:00.000+08:00

CLARITY

*Courtesy of "A Beautiful Revolution"